Choices We Cant Make

34: choices

We walk to the ice cream store, just close by and have a quick life update session.

"Came back to New York at 18 and found the perfect girl. Got married at 19. My wife from community college got pregnant-Have 3 beautiful triplets- god do I love them. Did several jobs but now I work in finance in a firm. And well....my wife got diagnosed with terminal cancer." Roy looks up at me - shocked with the enormity of his confession sinking in. He shrugs off my expression and continues.

" I love her with all my heart and well- things have been shitty for a long long time but hey loving her and providing for our lovely daughters is all I can do"

My heart sinks knowing that the 3 girls will lose their mother. Roy will lose the love of his life. Ha. Its so easy to lose someone like that. I can never imagine having to wait for Blue to die like that.

"What's her name?" I ask.

"Lucy...her name is Lucy. Beautiful red head" he chuckle and shakes his head in grief. He opens his wallet and shows me her picture. God is she beautiful - with thick long red hair, prominent freckles, big green eyes and plump lips. She reminds me of my aunt.

"She is so pretty" I look over at the 3 princesses - all having faint red hair.

"Its like I have 3 mini versions of her" he smiles and a tear escapes his eyes.

"What are their names?" I ask.

"This little one is Daisy and the other two are Poppy and Lily" he says picking up the little girl in a blue dress.

Roy gets up to pay for the ice cream.

I seem quite lost in thought. "Dont pity me...we have accepted things. tell me about you" he suggests

"Oh Okay so...after you left Dad died, I got raped, got into NYU, had a miscarriage with my rapists child, dropped NYU, broke up with my boyfriend, Sam, who thought I had his child, Mom died, got into a writing firm as an intern, found the love of my life Blue and got engaged yesterday" I answer.

Wow. Life is so perpetually weird. And whats even weird is that after confiding in Blue,....I have accepted things. I dont shy away from from telling trustable people about my past. Roy is that perfectly dressed stranger who you can just share anything with. You know? How sometimes it's easier to say personal stuff to a random stranger because you know his judgement wont hurt you? But its also like this that you fear they might just be criminals waiting to pounce. Lucky for me, Roy is a perfect stranger.

I think Blue made me realize that my past is nothing short of a pride-badge. And that is why all this doesn't really feel ....strange.

"Wow. Im sorry..." I shake my head.

"Congratulations on the engagement!" he says instead.

Roy smiles a little and we both start talking about our lives as teenagers and how we loved playing all sorts of games. The 3 girls look at me and smile at intervals as they gobble up their ice creams. Huh I was here just yesterday and...god I wont ever forget that feeling of absolute joy.

"So...how is your mother? Ms. Anderson?"

Roy shifts uncomfortably. "She is in rehab...has been for the past I dunno - 7 years?"

Oh.

"Tell me about this Blue guy" Joy nudges. An instant smile forms on my face.

"Blue...he is amazing. His dad is Gregory Becker"

"Wait the founder of Darthmont publishing? Nice" Roy whistles. For some reason, I feel as if we both have been best friends since our childhood- as if he never left.

"Yeah. We are getting married- huh." I say.

"Are you not excited?" Roy asks.

I am excited. This is exciting but-

"I dunno...I always thought it would be Sam. He called...today morning reminding me of my promise to always be with him..."

"Shit" Roy mutters and looks at me expecting me to continue with my mind. I...I have a depressed face set on me. I am just so confused right now.

"Violet. Come on...okay see" Roy forces me to look at him.

"You know how fucked up things are right now? The women I love with all my heart is gonna die..she is gonna leave her 3 beautiful children to grow up without a momma. It sucks. And it took me a long long time to accept it- to accept that the choice of her dying isn't mine. And if it's a choice I can't make then there is no need for me to cry over it."

Roy always amazes me. I remember how much special he made me feel as a child.

"The thing is Violet- there will always be these choices that are made for you....life is unfair that way and at the same time a wonderful expanse for miracles." He looks at me. I have a hopeful face. He ignores my expression again and continues-

"You did not make the choice to get raped, you did not make the choice for your father's death or for Sam's ugly love. But thats how life is - unfair- and you have to suck it up." He pauses to take a breathe. His entire serious demeanor makes me more committed and hopeful.

"A lotta good choices are also made for you...miracles are real....they are rare. Cherish those. These 3 little princesses" Roy grabs Lily on to his lap and continues "....they are 3 fucking miracles. And you? You have Blue. You need to forget about the choices you cant make ..and think about the choices that you can. You can make the choice to lead a happy romantic life with the man you love or go to the man you think you ought to love"

I kind of trail off after that. My mind runs circles around what he just said to me. Roy continues talking about his future and narrates some really cute stories about his daughters- I however? I remain completely oblivious to our conversation.

After spending a good 3 hours in the ice cream store Roy hugs me and bids me goodbye as he walks out with his 3 daughters. We did exchange our contact numbers to stay in touch.

It was enchanting to me you, Roy.

I smile.

I reach home and decide to update my journal. My journal that is not about him- but perhaps it has been about him all along?