Choices We Cant Make

chapter 19: Collisions (the part that is a bit about him)

*NOTE" THIS IS PART OF VIOLETS JOURNAL ENTRY.*

I guess the world is a tragically tormented place dressed in beautiful greens and reds. You? You are dressed in the most gorgeous blue but with the most pathetic golden thing going on.

Choices. We all make a hundred choices every day. The choice to wake up, to be alive, to push every single damn muscle- and yet we are so helpless sometimes. We feel tied to an imaginary feeling of constriction. Sam called me the morning of our engagement. He said he still loves me and that it was supposed to be us until the end. I would be lying if I said that that didn't leave me speechless. I got this journal from Sam. And thats how stupid this is. Sam gifted me this journal on new year's eve- he wanted me to write more. He always wanted me to be a writer, he loved reading all of my novel plots, he loved listening to me talk about characters and poetic lines. For the longest part of my life I loved him with everything in me. But- but its very weird. I thought I had this particular definition towards love, that once you love someone you can never un-love them. Although that is true for Blue- is it really for Sam? I stopped loving Sam. Did I ever love Sam? I think I was very convinced with my feelings towards him and no doubt I am with Blue.

Does this mean that I may also stumble upon a day that I will not love Blue anymore?

I met Roy Anderson today. Unbelievable really but he set me inside a trance. He is right about me having to accept my stance and March forward towards making my own choices. I plan on doing that, but one fearful question lingers inside me-

Did I make the choice of unloving Sam? Because if that is not true then what if someday the universe makes the choice for me to stop loving Blue? Or for Blue to stop loving me?

If we do not make the choice of loving someone- do we also not make the choice of unloving them?

Overthinking is a bitch. But I love Blue and thats all I know.

I asked Aunt Arma about this and she said that she thinks I am stupid for thinking so much. She this philosophy is best left superficial. She thinks that I do not not-love Sam. That somewhere deep inside I will always care for him, but a greater wall exists that breaks that love into 2 in order to make home for the love of my life, Blue. I love Blue and that fact is alone for me to stay with him. Sam's call by no means made me even think about dropping Blue and running over to him. I love Blue and that conviction alone is strong. The only thing that upsets me is that my history was full of choices I could never make, but now? Now I can make the choice of holding on to Blue's hand and kissing him as we say "I do".I made the choice of breaking Sam's heart- and even though I feel utterly guilty about it- I am proud of my choice. Because this time- it was mine.