Choices We Cant Make

26: bounce

VIOLET POV

I dont think I need time anymore. I know I never did. I miss him.

We still are not okay.

I mean, officially- we haven't broken up but neither have we both openly talked about our once-serious relationship.

I called him 22 times and we made small talk.

He texted me 17 times asking about my day.

For the past month I really did look back at my past. At my horrifying past.

I had not contacted the Quinns for a long time and although I was curious to know what had happened the other night - I simply let the pain of my broken heart overpower it.

The first week , after returning from Hawai I sat down and plotted everyday: ways to burn down my journal. But everyday something stopped me.

That stupid blue journal with its stupid golden bling.

The second week I casually stalked Blue over the internet and refused to walk by his tower after work. I still did exchange very dry conversations with him.

The third week went with therapy sessions from Aunt Arma who told me her every-day wisdom. She told me about pain and her first love- John.

John was a sailor apparently who died a month after dating my aunt when they were 22. Aw.

The forth week went into hardcore contemplation - what went wrong? I did receive a lot of texts, some even from Drew asking about any future engagement plans he could help in. I even congratulated him. Drew and David spent their pre-honeymoon in Texas.

I kept thinking about me and Blue.

We were going fast. But I loved every bit of it.

And now we are going way too slow! In fact we are going no where.

I dont know who was wrong but we both for sure haven't shown enough courage to face each other. I am hurt that he invaded my privacy and he is hurt that I .....I... kept comparing him to Sam.

We need to talk. Enough is enough! I need him. Every day for the past month I have wanted nothing greater. We need to talk.

-.-

Blue's office looks the same shade of brown except for the golden blinders they got new. I am waiting to meet him. My professional excuse is to discuss my payment settlement but my real reason is to simply talk. To talk about how we both made stupid decisions and are way too afraid to confront our stupidity.

Does Blue even like me anymore?

God this question has ruined so many nights. Sometimes I know he loves me, I see the way his eyes flutter when Im around- but sometimes I just dont know.

"Hey." Blue says as he spots me sitting from the corner of his eyes. Blue is standing at the doorway of his cabin. He enters his office and sits right across me on his leather chair.

"Hi." I say and I nod my head. I cant believe this is the same guy who confessed his love to me. The same guy who is now pretending to be a stranger.

"Violet. You look stunning" he mumbles. Blue doesn't look up to meet my eyes. He keeps staring at the desk.

"Thank you." I respond. God I want to kill myself- everything is so awkward. "Blue, hows everything going?"

Blues eyes meet mine.

He has pure anger and agony in him.

"If you expect me to say that everything has been comfortable- it hasn't. But Id rather apologize and move on that to fight with you, because I made a mistake which I am sorry for."

Damn why is he so forward?

"I forgive you. I am sorry about....about everything." I shift my eyes to the desk. That scratch looks like a thumb

"So what now?" Blue asks.

"I dont need time." I say dryly. I really do not. I never did. I was just stupid.

"We were going too fast." Blue confesses. "I can slow down, but I cant just back away for a month and get hurt." Blue is cross.

"I am sorry I hurt you."

Blue smiles.

"Do you want to go on a date?"

I slowly form a smile and nod.

"Yes. Yes Blue."

Blue walks up to me and grazes his lips onto mine until I welcome his lips in for a wonderful kiss.

A kiss that can take you ahead of time.

-.-

3 MONTHS LATER

Me and Blue are still only going to dates and exploring the romantic side of love. Neither of us have brought the topic of a bright future together.

Blue has always been an insanely mature guy. I got lucky to be honest.

3months ago we both went on a date and pretty much took off from there.

We have been dating for 3 months - but we haven't reached the "I love you" stage. Although at the beginning of our relationship Blue did say he loved me.

We simply are like a very typical couple.

In fact - it feels very....casual

Earlier it felt very serious and that was one of the reasons we broke up- kinda. But, now it all feels very very simple.

Maybe Blue doesn't love me anymore? Maybe he just likes me?

I dont know.

I love Blue. Now- I know.

The 3 months we spent... I have ached for his love. I have ached for that magic. We both have simply been going on dates and talking about each other. I have not told him about the rape yet and he somehow feels hurt knowing that I still haven't been that comfortable with him- that I still dont trust him.

I do trust him, its just whenever we are together I do not wish to ruin the mood by bringing up my sorry past.

Ah. Anyways- on a beautiful yellow textbook our romance would be perfect.

But somehow- I dont exactly want that. I want us to go forward- not stay statically at one particular part of a relationship.

I want us to be open enough.

I want to tell him everything.

But I also do not want to.

Argh.