Choices We Cant Make

36: not again

Violet POV

Tonight was particularly perfect. This year could not start any better with me getting married to Blue. I cant wait.

Its a nice feeling knowing that Blue has such close friends. I never had many friends. Sure, in high school I had a few mean-girl friends but they left and I never stayed in college long enough for me to actually make good friends. I only had 1 person I could call my best friend and that was Roy who also left me when I was 15. Yay.

Now? Now I have a best friend - Blue Becker. I squirm underneath the shower reminiscing his sweet compliment again and again. God do I love him. I set out of the bathroom and search for my jasmine oil.

Where the hell did I keep it? I search around the bathroom and exhale in frustration.

Wait I must have left it in the kitchen.

I call for Blue but he doesn't respond. What in the hell is he doing anyways?

I get out of the bathroom wrapped in my bath rub and strut to the kitchen myself.

The lights are dim around the foyer and the single light of the refrigerator draws me in perfectly.

I stop on my tracks when the scene unfolds in front of me. This can not be happening again.

"What the hell?" I scream at Blue- who is holding my golden blue journal and reading my entries- invading my privacy once again.

Anger and adrenaline pump through my bloods. Blue seems scared. He drops the journal upon my glare and rushes up to me. He whispers that he is sorry.

What? Is this actually happening? The person I love so much - no the person I will *marry* in a week is boldly doing the exact thing that hurt me for a long long time.

I purposefully hid my journal underneath the kitchen counter - knowing that he wouldn't ever go there. But hell he did.

I ignore his words and walk to the crime scene. I grab my journal - frustrated at him and throw it out of the window.

There. That's it. This journal has caused us enough trouble.

"Not one word" I threaten Blue and walk back into our bedroom. I slam the door behind me and lock it.

Blue can sleep on the couch.

Ah this is so god damn frustrating. He just- he is so- why? I love him, why would I ever hide anything from him? Why cant he just trust me like a normal fiancé?

And we are going to get married. In like 6 days.

And I dont even have my stupid journal to concentrate my feelings into. The stupid golden blue journal - argh.

I lie down on my bed and cry. Blue really hurt me. Blue knows everything, he knows about my encounter with Roy, he knows about every single damn thing. Why did he think he needed to read my journal? The same journal that caused so much damage in between us.

"Violet open the fucking door" Blue growls at me from across the door. My eyes turn bloodshot at the amount of adrenaline pumping from within me.

Frustration makes me insanely agitated. I cant take this one second longer.

"No Blue how dare you! Why cant you just trust me to tell you everything! For god's sake we are going to get married in what 6 days! Cant you just be the loving Blue I know?"

Silence.

A long impending silence numbs the room.

"Violet....Sam....called you on the day I proposed?"

Shit. It turns out I actually did not tell him everything- I hid from him, again. I hid from him the fact that Sam, my brutal ex, called me, insisting that I come back to him. My entry, i some senses, questioned the integrity of our rickety relationship.

I swallow a lump of guilt. No.

I get up from my bed and unlock the door quietly. I love my Blue, I hid from him, this was all me. Even though Blue read my journal without my permission I still ought to have told him about Sam's call. Hell that means he read the entire chapter about "choices". He probably thinks I am confused with my feelings towards him.

No. No. No. I need to explain everything to him and ask for his forgiveness.

We are going to get married- this cant go the wrong way. I need to fix this.

I unlock the door and walk into the hallway. All I hear is the monotonous swirling of the fan and the aggressive lighting of the room.

"Blue?" I call for him but he is no where. Wasn't he here just 2 seconds ago? But he isn't here. He left- the open door confirms my assumptions.

I hurt Blue. By some way I keep hurting the people who love me- and the people I love.

I call Blue on his phone but the phone rings inside our house- how can he just leave me like that?

I call Aunt Arma instead. He will be back- he cant be gone for long.

-.-

4 days later

I guess I was wrong - he has been gone for 4 whole days. 2 days ago Suzy came by and took Blue's phone, laptop, charger and wallet from the house.

I really messed things up.

I went to Darthmont several times, but Suzy kept excusing me saying that Blue is busy. How can he be so busy? I text him and call him but he wont pick up or reply. He wont even come home- I even tried going to his house but the security keeps telling me that Mr. Becker is outside.

This time however I am determined. We are going to get married in 2 days. We cant keep fighting.

We are getting married right?

If it were any other night, from the familiar 4, I would be knocking on Blue's door at this point but right now I am at the airport picking my favorite Aunt.

Aunt Arma flew in for our marriage - something I still have doubts about happening. Apart from our lack of conversation, the wedding planning has been going effortlessly. Our planner, Emma has done a terrific job with a scary budget but at this point who cares.

All the invites have been out, decorations, catering, dance recitals, seating and music- all has been taken care of. Greg thought it would be cute to have the wedding at their friends hotel - the same one where the charity event took place that led me to Blue.

"Oh my dear darling Violet you look very pretty" she says upon greeting me. My Aunt is an icon- she is wearing a bright red sweater with a denim skirt and leather boots and she really rocks it. I? I am wearing leggings and a brown hoodie. I really am not in any mood to dress up.

"Whats wrong dear" Aunt Arma asks. I shake my head and smile "nothing I just missed you" I say.

"You and Blue are still fighting huh?"

Aunt Arma looks at me from her thin rectangular glasses.

I nod my head. "He wont talk to me. He thinks I still have feelings for Sam"

"Holy shit" Aunt Arma murmurs.

"I heard that!" I warn her.

"Well for starters what makes you think he thinks that?"

"He wont talk to me...he sent his assistant to fetch his things from OUR apartment Aunt Arma. You know this"

Aunt Arma does not Say word. She just smiles at me and sits walks with me to the parking lot.