Choices We Cant Make

28: talking

Violet POV

Me and Blue are sitting on my bed. After confessing my love for him I decided to tell him everything- everything I knew at least.

"I was 16 when it happened" I start off. Blue listens to me with curious eyes- the same eyes that already know most of it from my journal.

"Sam took me to a frat house party...I was raped there." I state.

"I do not know who raped me...I was drugged and raped. I woke up to someone behind me. After he was done he just left..he was so drunk I could smell the alcohol....after it happened I....ran down the street with just a blanket. I spotted Aunt Arma's house and decided to spend the night there" I start to feel nauseas thinking about that night again.

But it is important that Blue know- for the sake of our relationship.

"I stayed at Aunt Arma's for 2 weeks. My mother was okay with me living there but she never asked why. Indirectly I kept telling her that I wanted to spend time with my aunt."

I continue narrating him the most humiliating and traumatizing event of my life

. "One day Sam came to meet me after he returned from his college tour. Before he could ask about the frat party he broke up with me- for no reason" I start crying. I was broken - utterly broken that day. The pain, the torture, the torment it all made me so depressed. It was Aunt Arma who saved me from every hell.

"I returned back home and my mom took care of me after learning of the rape. She blamed me of course. We tried talking to authorities but they were of no help."

I stop to look at Blue's expression - straight on fury. I squeeze his hands and bring them to my lap in order to comfort him.

"After about 1.5 months , one day I felt like puking my guts out. I had missed my period which was kind of normal for a teenager. Aunt Arma got me a pregnancy test and... and I was positive. The first person I went to was Sam because he was also my best friend- and all I could think about was 'woulnt it be nice if Sam would be the father?' I then lied to Sam, telling him the baby was his. There was no way the dates added up but I decided to lie to him because I did want to keep the baby , even though it was my rapists. Jack knew the truth about the baby - I do not know how but he did" I take in deep breathe and continue

"Sam and I got back together although Jack did not want that. My mother kicked me out of the house after she knew about it. I stayed with Aunt Arma for the next 3 months" I sigh and drink some water from the bedside table.

God this is exhausting. Letting your history out.

Blue is just there in silence listening to me with a very weird mixture of pride and sorrow.

"I lost the baby a few week later." I state with no emotion inside me. As if the pain grew numb deep within me "I got even more depressed, but Sam was there. Sam was beginning to accept having a child that young but after the miscarriage..... he, blamed it on me, and, we went on a long long break."

Blue hugs me and shows me comfort.He touches my damp cheeks and squeezes them.

"Sam was shaken. He wanted to be a father at 16 which was weird but true. He wanted to have something with me because he loved me. But after the miscarriage things changed. We started living in different cities and having a sort-of a long distance relationship - we got close just this year after my mother got diagnosed. We spent a good time together...until my mother died, thats when I decided to tell Sam the truth. I... I confessed to him that the child that died inside of me wasnt his. The child's loss he cried for...for all these years wasnt his. The child he longed for was of my rapists. He ended things permanently in February. And he said he doesn't blame me....he said he will never hate me and that he will always want whats best for me."

I finish. I look into Blue again.

Sam was a huge part of my life. Our love was like a colossal force binding two different hearts. We were pure and honest and innocent - but our shared past wrecked everything. With the rape and the pregnancy and the miscarriage....everything just doomed. It was inevitable. We both fought through all forces in order to be together...but at the end we couldn't help it. It felt as if something greater than us did not want us together. We were just not meant to be.

Blue on the other hand? I love him with all my heart. From the second I met him in the charity event I fell for him. Since our rickety start- the only thing that haunted our relationship was my past. I think this level of trust was what made me feel like our love was not very magical.

3months ago Blue was almost oblivious of my past, and he trusted me.

Even though he read my journal and even though he lied to me at first about reading it - he trusted me to confide within him. I needed time. But now I have told him everything - every bit I am aware of.

I am of course curious about very many things. The hospital scene with Sam and Jack...why Sam will never talk to me or to his own brother. The Quinns have become a curious couple to me. I decided against searching for answers- primarily because I have my Blue and thats all that actually matters.

I have love in abundance around me- so much so that my past looks like a dead flower in front of the beautiful beast of a future I hold with the man I love.

Blue's head is down as he is taking in all my confessions. He seems to be fighting internal wars- battling against the most suitiable thing to say.

"Blue?" I ask. "Im sorry if my past was too much." Blue shakes his head and looks up to me. His voice grows deep and hoarse.

"If I could I would kiss away your ugly past and dress you into today" Blue says to me - staring into my eyes as if he is searching for my soul. I smile

I look into Blue's eyes which are almost tearing up. He hugs me and whispers "thank you" as his lips meet mine.

He kisses me gently and we both lie down on my bed and sleep.

We sleep knowing that we have everything just by being with each other.

I know my past lacked a lot of good things, but I had Aunt Arma. I even had Sam- in ways more than the pain he ever gave me. If someone came and told me then that I would meet this amazing person with grey eyes I'd kill them for lying to me with something so unrealistic.

Yet here I am now.