all those rage, and i'm still here?

fourteen

"Stillness or Urgency to a Journey of Self - Discovery."

What more can I do?

That question was stuck in my mind like some plague. Days ago, I participated in a major event that took place in school. A competition. It was fine, I didn't do much. I even heard my classmate say that it was a beautiful privilege to be an usherette. Can't say no to that though.

Joining activities like that was good. I didn't have many complaints, except that my time was taken a lot because of the practice. However, I knew at the back of my mind that it wasn't my natural habitat. As an introverted person, I was always continuously drained being surrounded by lots of people, similar to the feeling of jogging for hours in a field. Whenever I went home, the moment I hit the bed, I was already dead asleep.

I told you, it wasn't my natural habitat. I need a lot of time for myself to recharge. I'm not a fan of a fast-paced life. I can't understand how my friend keeps up in her life being a working student while still studying at university. I don't adapt well to changes and I guess it bugs me a lot why I'm like that.

I spent most of my days enveloped in depression while in high school. By the time I regained my sanity, I was power-hungry. I wanted everything other people had. I wanted to climb to success because I knew it was a way for me to grow. I did my best in school and was satisfied with my high grades, yet it also made me expect more. Developing imposter syndrome, was that? I've never cared about how I achieved things, it just wasn't enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted to be on top and beat everyone out of the game.

The more power-hungry I was, the more exhausted I became. I was burned out. So burned out to the point where I was more prone to depression and self-loathing. I just wanted to do better. I wonder what was wrong with that?

There was a pattern of walking towards a path of power, being completely overwhelmed as a result, and falling into the pit of depression. Whenever that happened, I hated how easy it was for me to be overwhelmed and end up breaking down almost every time. What was the goal again, it was to become better, was that? Yet why do I feel worse? I feel like I was completely being stripped of my sanity, knowing that I willingly stepped into the pit of depression.

It was as if I dug my own grave. To become power hungry, to become the most controlling I've been. I hadn't realized that it was myself who was creating the monster I fought in my mind. My silent battles were something no one knew, and I barely survived any of them.

To become better, was it?

Then why am I so exhausted?

Everyone always says to go for the goal, saying that happiness can always be prolonged because success will bring it to you. I thought that was it. I believed it for so long I was burning myself to ashes by lighting up the fire myself.

And every time I reached the worse, and the worse, of the worse, there was one thing I wanted.

I sought after peace.

I just...wanted my mind to be silent. For once, please stop bugging me to become someone better. I'm tired, and I wanna rest. I want to sleep for hours and hours and not feel any guilt for that. I wanted to take care of myself without feeling the sense of urgency everyone was talking about.

In a busy, bustling city where everyone enjoyed the hustle and was satisfied each time they reached new levels, I was unhappy. I was exhausted. I was pressured. I was tired. There was a little voice in my mind telling me that if I didn't go through the hustle, then I'd never succeed. And I'd never experience success.