all those rage, and i'm still here?

twenty - three

"Alienation."

There's a part of me, a teeny tiny bit, like a seed slowly growing into a new plant of hope, yearning for a sense of belongingness in this world.

I stared at the vast sky of nighttime, my eyes boring into the darkness. There was a little light coming out from the stars above, like dust from the sky spread by the moon. I couldn't help but feel my insides conveying the exact emotions I felt just a while ago. As contrasting as it may seem, the overwhelming sensation felt like my stomach was being twisted to bits and my chest hammered endlessly—while my face was devoid of any emotion.

I was someone who was born to never really fit in. Some would say that it's because you're meant to stand out, yet in my case, I feel more out of place.

The continuity of such feelings led me to great isolation masked with independence and a love for solitude. I guess I got used to it for a long time. To always feel like the odd one among the best. It's not uncommon to feel so lost among the vast amount of greatness everyone has to offer while I'm only here, always trying to start over.

I honestly thought I could belong. Probably, someone would be the same as me. So unsure, so lost, so confused. They say, to talk it out with friends, it'll help. But I did as they said, and got overwhelmed. The certainty of someone who's mastered their life is contrasting to a beginner who's only learned to appreciate what life is. I was only starting over, they're already building themselves.

Excelling in college, of course, I wanted that. After all, I went out of my way to end the struggle for the past years, to change the environment I was accustomed to. I went to a new city, far from home, and knew no one. Somehow the change felt awful yet incredibly fulfilling to my soul.

I knew I had to work on myself. Not exactly what everyone assumed to be, not the one that allowed me to show myself to the world. I knew what was wrong with me, and I needed fixing. I was certain I needed to work on my inner self. I badly wanted that peace and it was given to me.

I was practically a beginner.

I was starting over, even now. The inner transformations create the person that I am, and I was certain that I couldn't be fixed on merely one identity. There were sides of me I knew, and sides of me I was only going to meet.

Amid the peace I found and was starting to cultivate, I thought it was it. I thought that I was getting better, I was making progress.

Suddenly I was awake in the middle of that tranquility and was surprised at how big the world was. Excelling in college—I wanted that. But I thought I had to heal my perfectionism first. It's not that I don't want to achieve greatness, but I couldn't accept life knowing I could have fixed what was wrong from the deepest, most rooted cause of my grief.

I thought I was not the only lost soul. I was very much willing to start over and not rush, to simply just discover where I was meant to be. I wanted to follow the inner voice that guides me, so I could finally be on the path where tranquility and creativity are abundant.

Finding people who I thought were the same as me, I found comfort and felt seen. It was incredibly difficult for someone like me to trust, as I knew how deeply my wound of betrayal was, and now that I've found my 'people', I could never have been more grateful.

Talking about dreams made me excited, yet yesterday it didn't. There was an underlying, overwhelming feeling of anxiety as I laid my back on the benches of the school grounds. The breeze felt so nice in summer, and my body was physically exhausted from all the activities. My eyes were fixated on the azure sky, so peaceful, just as I felt all the invalidation sink in deep into my skin.

"I have a lot to do, just a little time. I wanted to start a media company, then I wanted to sing, dance, or build a small cafe. Or live in New York and be a star!" A friend of mine chuckled, her eyes sparkling at the idea of all those.

"I plan to give back to my family. Build a business, like a restaurant, or invest in real estate. Those kinds." Another one responded.

It felt like I finally had my eyes brought wide open to the truth I hadn't expected, nor probably I had only avoided seeing. The people all around me had dreams. They all knew where they were going. Alongside all the trouble and exhaustion of college, these people were certain of the path they were walking. The realization hit me like a thorn had prickled my heart the way a needle would, and it hurt so bad from the minimal amount of pain that was given.

"What about you, Celeste?"

Instantly, it felt as if all the loneliness I was forced to bury deep down myself, all the hidden insecurities that I was keeping inside felt like they were slowly let loose as if there was a huge explosion following.

"I'm not sure." I gave them a shy smile, even if I felt like my stomach feels like it was being tied in knots. "Probably just go somewhere and start over."

My twisted mind and thoughts were only for myself. I realized that I was the only one who wasn't dreaming. I only craved nothing more but peace, and I felt all the alienation crawling up to my skin, the insanity regained.

Everyone had a destination they were certain of. They had goals, dreams, and a life they desired and wanted to fulfill. I was only someone out here, bowing my head to the people who knew exactly where they wanted to go, as I couldn't look them in the eye and feel all the enviousness drown me.

I hated where I was. I was alienated embarrassed, and shameful. I was one for the go-with-the-flow kind, and I was only searching for my path. I was slower than the others, and I felt so pressured I wanted to cry it all out in the world.

I didn't know exactly what I wanted. All I knew was that I wanted to go away and never come back, to yearn for a place I've only seen in my dreams. I couldn't even talk to my friends, because they were all working so hard to build themselves. I couldn't relate because I was stuck on self-reflection.

All that sense of belongingness, I felt like it disappeared the minute I heard the certainty of their voices. Now I was left all alone in my shell of shame. I thought I could express my sentiments, all the thoughts of hideousness and despair, the way that I'm a lost soul still wandering in life. I felt invalidated, and alone, and misunderstood.

Perhaps I'm envious, and I truly am. Once more I felt like the odd one out and felt uneasy to the point where I displayed rage and the desire for isolation.

I immediately wanted to hide myself and just be alone with my thoughts, to reevaluate my life, to think and assess what was wrong with me, or was it others? I couldn't stand the pressure of doing great just for the sake of feeling good about myself. Although it may be the case for others, I wanted to appreciate myself at my lowest, at the point where I lacked everything.

I think my twisted mindset doesn't apply and will never be understood by anyone. And although it hurts, I don't think I want to express it anymore.

In the transition from the peaceful, blue sky, to the darkness of the night, where the stars appeared to be specks of dust surrounding the magnetic moon, I couldn't help but think, of how much of a lost, wandering, and sterile soul I was, always seeking to be understood yet ended up embarrassed.

I am a beginner in life, always starting over, always undergoing transformations buried within myself, while everyone surrounding me is a master at their craft. The alienation creeping up my skin has now finally become my own.

Oh how I wished I was similar to them, but my distorted view of reality was always mine to carry like some legacy, and somehow I felt comfort in that.