all those rage, and i'm still here?

one

"Loneliness"

"You know, I thought that it was him already."

Scribbling on my journal on a hot summer day, I nearly laughed at myself, sweat profusely running down my face. My most hated season would be summer, I hated the humidity and even if I wanted to go out, I'd only get pissed.

I hated going to school in this state, especially when the dress code was still strict with a 41-degree temperature and heat index.

"After all, I cried that one night and asked God to at least give me a lover."

It was everything I asked for, even if I understood and knew at the tip of my tongue that it was only the yearning for an ideal lover that I wanted. I was lonely and to alleviate those feelings, I thought needed a lover. You know? Just like anyone else. Or was that the case? Was that only to cover up the lack I had in myself?

Was I not comfortable enough with my solitude?

"Then after that day, I talked to this guy. We hit it off. I thought the universe finally gave me what I wanted."

It was still hot and annoying. Instead of relief, the fan offered a stream of oppressive heat. It didn't help. I was overwhelmed with all these emotions. To be honest, I looked like a clown. I knew I had this inexplicable emptiness I felt inside, I knew and was aware.

"My best friend and I talked the other day. I missed her a lot. Then, I went home and felt so damned lonely afterward. It was so funny."

It wasn't my best friend's fault. It's not as if she slapped it in my face that her life was better than mine simply because she had romance surrounding it. No, she did not. She opened up about how hard life was getting, and I talked to her too about mine.

I just...didn't understand why I suddenly felt so lonely. It was so overwhelming.

"Sometimes I wished I had someone to just hug me at the end of the day and tell me that I did great, and I'll do great tomorrow too."

I had a simple request. Not too much, was that? I guess I blame myself for having Pisces and Libra placements on my big three. I just hate being dependent on others, especially when it comes to my happiness. I know I can provide myself with all those. I can spoil myself, go on adventures with me, experience and discover lots of things.

But why, why is it that at the end of the day, I still crave human companionship? Is that necessary or do I have a void in my heart that I badly want to fill?

"It's so funny. I'm like a clown."

I wrote again. Tears were streaming down my eyes as I bit my lower lip, trying to stifle my cries because others might hear. I hate being vulnerable, I hate feeling vulnerable but as much as possible, I want to alleviate all these feelings because I don't wanna face them again.

I don't understand why I feel so empty. I don't understand why because I've spent so much time alone, and I was comfortable alone. I just didn't understand why suddenly I was out here crying because of the same reason knowing I felt lonely again.

I swiftly closed the notebook and sighed, lying on my bed. I don't feel so good right now. I'll blame the solar eclipse and the mercury retrograde. Fuck this. I hate this so much.