all those rage, and i'm still here?

twenty - nine

"Introverting in an extroverted world."


"Business? What's gotten into you? "

Belonging to an Asian household allows you to be naturally immune to brutal, blunt words that cannot be considered personal attacks but rather an honest, truthful response to your well-being. Like you develop some sort of thick skin to toughen up against the world. The intention is nice—well, until it isn't.

"Online business? Do you have the friends for that? "

I scoffed in annoyance. Certainly, I'm not the most sociable human being on earth. I've got nothing but a small circle of friends that I hardly even maintain. The people I mostly know, I can't consider friends, and they don't consider me one at all. I am quite distant from other people.

Nah, I guess I'm more antisocial.

It reminds me of the time when I joined a group dynamics activity with some of my classmates organized by seniors. At first, it was great; I had my friends with me, so I was fine. Then we had to group ourselves randomly and discuss what we learned with a senior. She asked a series of questions, my classmates answered, and I was out there.

Silent.

You know that eerily silent sound, and you crawl away from it because it's deafening and you can never stand it. For most people, I experience a sort of slow-burn trope, as I'd like to call it. When you let me meet someone unexpectedly, don't expect that at the end of the day, we're going to be friends. I'd be out there regretting the things I should've done, the topics for conversation I should have said, and how I should have acted.

It must be outright disrespectful, or somehow there's a vibe of 'She must not like me' whenever I meet new people. I'm never used to it, and I'm more uncomfortable than the times I was isolated in the COVID-19 pandemic. The more I got used to my loneliness, the happier it felt. Honestly, it's great when I think of 101 reasons to survive without social interactions, but, hell, it never is.

Every time I'm in the four walls, which are called a classroom, I find myself wondering why other people talk so easily to each other. Like, don't conversations feel like a chess game to them, and don't they often think first of a response in their head before verbally saying it? I mean, I am comfortable with my group of friends, yet sometimes I wish to talk to other people as well.

Well, if I could do so,.

Ever since I was younger, it felt like I was some sort of child born into an elite family—always at home with books (though I preferred storybooks), playing alone as if I'd catch a disease when I went outside. My mother was brought up in such a way, so that's how I grew up too. Isolated, unexposed, in short—alone.

I do have siblings, though, and I felt like my childhood was nothing fun. I mean, compared to others like my friend, for instance, she was as naughty as my brother, while all I did was sit down and read books. When I started school and tried to be sociable, all I gained back was friendship trauma instead of meeting all those narcissistic, manipulative, and selfish bastards who trampled on my naïve younger self.

I could not trust people at all. And even if I wished it hadn't been the case, it's been more of an unconscious defense mechanism to be cold and distant amongst other people. It seemed like interactions were a battlefield I had to avoid, not a mere natural, human thing to do for me.

The feelings of alienation always creep up when I remember that it seems harder to talk to people than do school tasks. I hate studying like most people, but I prefer to hide away in my room (not exactly in melancholy, but most people like to put it that way) rather than go out and socialize.

I've been introverted since I was younger.

I don't understand why it's so easy for people these days to confuse introversion with mere quietness. It's more about where you get your energy.

The reason why I can't talk to others is certainly because it's rather comfortable to spend time by myself doing nothing, and it feels like a battlefield when it comes to interactions. I remember that in my senior year of high school, it was more draining than rewarding, especially being in the same room with other people who were particularly toxic. It felt like my soul was sucked into some vacuum of death or something.

I just found myself physically tired, and I need days to freaking rest and recover. If I'm stolen of my days to do so, I just become irritable and uncooperative; I become stressed and a bitch to everybody. It's not my nature to often be so fast-paced and spend time with others; it's more of a torture.

You know how hard it is to be an introvert in a world that values and emphasizes extroversion. You're considered gloomy and uncooperative when you're not as loud as anyone else. You're the boring one when you spend your nights staying in rather than partying and drinking. You know, their idea of fun? I had a friend who low-key insinuated that. I felt so small in her presence because she had always told me about her 'exciting' college life, and when I was to talk about mine, she was unresponsive.

Oh, how I hoped to enjoy life the way she does.

I hope you take note of the sarcasm of that and me rolling my eyes, particularly at the idea of having to adjust to what is considered 'fun' for other people. I mean, it's a good break, but it's more annoying than enjoyable.

Additionally, I feel like the world requires you to be human and an extrovert. Really. You know how in earning money, most is always service to other people; it always concerns other people. To be of help to them in some way. I mean, of course, they pay you, but you also have to interact. And when you're in school, if you're the quiet kid, you're the one who's mostly in the background?

You know, I find it quite unfair that extroverts are the ones who can easily shine, merely because it's their natural habitat—they get their energy from being surrounded by people. And you know what they tell introverts when they give advice, and it's often, 'You should go out, talk it out to others, and you'll be fine.' Which is an extrovert's way of life.

So you must appear as one? But really, can't we live by ourselves? I mean, we technically can, but, like, shouldn't we also be comfortable with being an introvert? In a world full of shining extroverts, wouldn't it be a good chance to be an equally shining character in the background?