all those rage, and i'm still here?

thirteen

"Is Beauty All For Show?"

"Simonne, right?"

A girl with glasses approached me, a wide smile plastered on her face. She was beside me, beaming like sunshine, contrary to the emotionless gaze I gave everyone. I turned to her in an instant, flashing a small smile.

"Ah, yes." I nodded.

"You know, I initially thought it was you who Oscar had a crush on." She chuckled. "After all, you're so pretty." I raised an eyebrow. I knew who Oscar was, but I didn't care much about his existence.

"Thanks."

She beamed a smile again. "Turns out, it was Christel."

I only nodded. Christel. I saw her weeks ago, and she even caught my attention. One thing I noticed about her is the smile apparent on her face every time her eyes turn into a half-crescent moon. It was cute. She was fair-skinned, tall, and skinny. She also seems to be physically active, since I got curious the other day and decided to stalk her account on Facebook.

Her mannerisms were elegant and graceful, and she was well-liked even if she seemed to be new on the org. She made a lot of friends instantly and caught everyone's heart in a flash. What do they call it? Somewhat like an it-girl kinda energy, was it?

That conversation seemed to be stuck in my head. Not that I like Oscar or Christel. But I've come to a realization just after my intensive workout called overthinking. Could I just refer to it as introspection, instead? Just so it wouldn't sound that bad.

Would it be wrong to say that I know that I'm already beautiful? After all, I worked so hard to reach this level of self-esteem. No one knew about that. Of course, I didn't want to tell anyone.

In a snap of a finger, memories flashed across my mind. I was wearing a white blouse and a green checkered long skirt with a cravat on. It was in eighth grade. I was walking with my friends.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, as both of them were in front of me. I was just at the back, mouth shut close as I walked.

I guess that was the first time I felt like I was the least favorite.

Like it'll slap you in the face, you know? Hurts as hell but you can't do anything about it, knowing that other people's perception of you is beyond your control.

There's even another thing I remember from the same group of friends. It was a sunny afternoon so the decision was to go to the mall for the aircon. We had fun. And the mall was crowded. Then my friend spoke in the most antagonistic tone, saying.

"You think you can just fit there? You're too fat." Like it was some casual joke. I jokingly laughed as if that was funny. I was naivety personified.

Then we were casually eating at a fast food chain. Now she told me,

"You're probably our adviser's child. You guys are just both fat."

She made fun of me. She laughed and laughed. As if that was the funniest thing she heard that day. My other friend laughed too. She was skinnier than me, so I guess my other friend didn't have many issues with her body.