all those rage, and i'm still here?

eighteen

"Romance is too farfetched–not for me."

I despise the feeling of liking someone.

There's this guy, far from my type, but for some reason, I'm attracted to him. I mean he's attractive, and I'm just one for the looks, so...There's just something about the adrenaline that comes with the anticipation of seeing that person. A grin on my face as always, an amused look that could never be hidden. I was a competitive one, so whenever he passed by, I'd stare into his eyes, just to prove to myself that I wasn't intimidated.

And you know, I read somewhere that to fend off guys, you must act like your father. I guess this is what I'm doing, I've been very much presenting that kind of fragile ego.

I'm not built for romance. I'm certain of that. As much as I'm in love with the idea of love, it will stay as that. I've been so comfortable with my solitude that it feels stolen when I let someone in for now. I'm all up for play, but I'm never serious. It's not like I flirt, anyway. It's just subtle, the things I do. I don't confess, I just wait until my feelings dissipate. Or I guess I'll just move on and find another one.

The adrenaline that comes with the chase is the kind of high that I want, and it's better when he just doesn't care because he'll never bat an eye at me. That means that I'll never have a chance, and it'll be easier to move on.

I guess it all started last year, school's busy as ever and I stayed at the gymnasium because there was free food and drinks. I was a cheapskate, after all. I grabbed the opportunity, of course. Falling in line, someone suddenly caught my eye. It's not like he's my type. But he's so pretty. I couldn't take my eyes off him.

He looked pale as fuck, but it suited him either way. He wore glasses, round eyes, thick brows, and plump lips. Honestly, he's more of my friend's type. What was he even wearing at that time? Can't even remember. But my friend and I looked at each other as we grinned. Of course, it's like we hit the jackpot already. We've been crazy desperate to find someone attractive in Uni, anyway.

Months later, he was both a part of my life and not. I was infatuated. It's a good day when I see him, and it's a good day when I don't. He doesn't play much part in my life. Until recently.

I sighed as I walked, dragging my feet because of how tiring this day was. I was walking along the hallways, my eyes dead like myself. It was late in the afternoon yet the heat hadn't subsided. I went out the school after I dropped my friend off at some meeting. Then, I crossed the street, wishing to just get hit by a car.

However, I successfully crossed the street. Ah, unfair.

I made a face until someone caught my eye from the side.

Oh, it's him.

I blinked. It was him. He was just there, eating with his friends. So my friend was right, saying that it was his class' dismissal? Great, huh? I just stood there, putting down my tumbler as I waited for him to pass by. And it didn't even take a while for him to.

I knew I was crazy, but at that time, I just couldn't look up and stare at him like I usually did. I was just shocked when he did pass by, literally in front of me! How the hell was I supposed to breathe when he was that near?! I could only look down, my phone as props, as I realized our height difference.

And what the hell, bro? He was that tall?!

I frowned when I got home. I felt defeated. Why couldn't I look at him at that time? I was a competitive person, so it was disappointing to see myself suddenly getting shy because he was in front of me.