all those rage, and i'm still here?

two

"I, The Paradox of Extremes."

I was built in extremes
Of extreme self-doubt and insecurity,
Of a desire of extreme apathy
Hidden beneath a mask of waves of emotions
I cannot describe.
Some days I feel that I want to be kind
And when I do,
I feel submissive, compelling,
A doormat.
Yet at the time I assert my dominance,
I get scared.
I get scared I might come off too strong, intimidating
Or hurt anyone.
Everything I lack, I think about.
Everything I have, I doubt.

I was built in extremes
Of silence yet an extreme yearning to be heard
The floating waves of emotions
I cannot see yet clearly hear
Something I could not verbalize
Stabbing my entire being
An extreme weight of pain I carry with me
A burden I would likely share
But hide so badly just as well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst
And I fall into depression
Just as easily I could find my way back
To self-respect.

I was built on extremes,
Of a fluctuating self-worth
Some days I feel like I can conquer everything
I feel as if I am capable of anything
Yet some days I feel mostly stupid
And become the greatest hater of myself.
Some days I feel great about myself
I feel beautiful, smart, and lucky–An air of superiority I embody
Yet gets crushed as easily
When I see someone better than me.

I was built in extremes
Of wanting order yet starting the chaos myself
Someone who's a mess, someone insincere
Someone who's voiceless on the outside
With thoughts making my head hurt to the point of explosion
As it keeps me at night,
Yet also keeps me sane
Or am I?
I desire to explore the depths of my soul
Yet also scared not to be able to leave the darkness
I think I'm forever stuck in here,
I think I want to see myself as the light
But by the end of the day,
I crush my hope and desire
I was built on extremes.
I was built a paradox of extremes
An intense complexity,
And an underlying, held-back inferiority.