all those rage, and i'm still here?

seventeen

TW: Dissociation, mentions of death

"Disconnection in My Fractured Reality"

The world is out of touch again,
As I gaze through my distorted reality
Filled by agony and chaos.
Continuing to walk and go through my day,
I am once faced with this uncomfortable feeling
Yet feels eerily familiar.
Continuing to walk on autopilot,
I stopped.
Finding myself staring at the mirror,
Through tired dead brown eyes and dark under eyes,
An incredibly messy hair and pale lips,
All at once,
I was hit by a dagger in my chest.
And once I clutched my chest in an instant,
The pain does not go away.
Despite all my mindless actions,
I knew I had one thought
One sounding like,
I have never yet looked dead my entire life.

I could not understand,
But there's this overwhelming feeling inside,
One that tells me I'm human,
Yet feels like I only have a physical body
I feel like a controllable robot automated to perfection,
Yet at the back of my mind, I know I don't feel real,
As always I have felt so disconnected,
So distracted,
So different,
I feel as if my body has a mind of its own
Working its way for society's expectations
Yet I stumbled and fell,
Realizing I could not stand to be controlled.

Reality's not made for someone like me.
Someone who's mostly stuck on dreams,
Rather than the tapestry of our current moment,
And
I feel like reality is so hard to grasp,
So, so hard to control,
I feel like a soul who's alive yet dead at the same time,
A body who's been brought to life after death,
Yet I'm not some Saint nor god,
And I know that
Reality is a place I despise,
Knowing it is never meant for someone like me.
No matter how I ask why,
Why, why–why must someone like me be alive?
Please let me understand
Please enlightenment me
I could never see any good reason why,
When other people are better
And befitting.
Why is life given to someone this purposeless
And someone who does not value life,
Someone who's at the end of the day thinking,
I am nothing but a dead and decomposing soul.