all those rage, and i'm still here?

twenty - one

Tw: Depression

"Everything that's wrong with me."

Living with no identity feels like existing in a world of void–nothing else is there but a soul with an existing physical body.

The lack of identity feels like waking up in this body, learning and teaching all the simplest things, the normal, basic things. Let's say smiling at someone you know in the streets, but even if it's unconscious to others, I somehow just feel ashamed of whatever I do.

It feels like I'm just out there and everyone is trying to look at me, but I know no one's looking at me. Everything I do, every move I make, I feel ashamed. I operate like some sort of robot, where my mind governs and tells me what to do. The simplest, littlest, most atomic things. It seems to not come naturally, I feel like I'm in my body, but I don't exactly control it.

Besides that, I don't understand the point of emotions, growth, or love. I don't understand why I need to cultivate relationships, but I understand the feeling of loneliness. But most of the time I feel lonely—yet being alone feels great, but everyone shows me that it doesn't. But how do I do that? How do I talk like a normal human being? To not feel conscious talking or feeling ashamed of my body language, my voice, my actions, my posture, my gestures. How do I do that?

I truly don't understand why, but I get the feeling.

I don't understand why I need to go out of my comfort zone, to take risks, to do this, or do that. I don't understand why other people have dreams and goals and aspirations they align themselves into so they can achieve everything. I have nothing I'm passionate about. Even if I love something, I need to declare to myself that this is what I want, and maybe it doesn't come naturally. Somehow, it feels forced.

I don't understand why other people keep on trying and working hard, but I want to work hard because maybe, I'll understand what it means to stand on the top. To be successful. Speaking of which, I don't understand why everyone desires to be successful, when in fact, isn't success only a basis of money and fame? If you're not all that, how are you even valuable? Society views people on their assets, not their liabilities. And all I have are liabilities, even if I may cultivate assets, I'll break them one day because I can't be a slave to other people's perception of me.

I don't understand the desire to be successful, but I desire to be successful to understand what's out there, how does it feel to be on top? But I'm torn over the fact that maybe I'll become a slave of money or fame, or anything materialistic, or anything superficial just like how others would see me.

It might be a good mindset, but I dislike trying in that case. I want to try and try because I want to see how far I will go, but I'm scared of failure. I understand, though, that failure is just a concept of losers who see defeats as something to overcome, when in fact, there's no failure. Failure is imprinted in the minds of individuals who think they failed. And that's always been the concept I want to unlearn. There's no failure if you don't see it as a failure, it only becomes one if you say so.

I understand that I'm depressed, and no one should listen to someone like me. Maybe at the end of the day, I still want to be loved and be told that reality may suck but I'm still here for you and your downs, and your fucked up life. Maybe I'm holding onto hope, and maybe that hope blossoms, or I become that hope. I can become that hope, but how do I do that? I don't know myself. I feel detached from myself. I feel like I'm not even real. I just want to escape this reality. I feel like I'm out there floating, and. realizing that makes me want to puke at the uncomfort.

I just want to hide in my room and just disappear.