all those rage, and i'm still here?

twenty

"Reality's not real—create it instead."

Sitting comfortably on the couch at seven in the evening, I blankly stared at the television. In that state was summer, and I could see how hard the air circulator was working just to keep us cold. My parents were arguing about the channels again. My Dad insisted on tuning in to a sports channel, while my Mom would change it into a home improvement show.

"Remain on that channel instead."

There was a Barbie movie. They frowned at me but I just shrugged. The movie was nearly to the last part, I knew because I watched it with my cousin. When we were on a trip, I accompanied her when it was showing in cinemas.

My eyes were glued to the television screen, where a part showed Ruth and Barbie. Ruth proceeds to say "Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable." and "Humans make things up like patriarchy and Barbie just to deal with how uncomfortable it is."

Somehow in those lines, I found myself lost in thought again. If that's the case, then does nothing truly exist? I figured that the quote resonated with me, and so I thought, don't humans only create things as a coping mechanism because they fear accepting that we are only here existing?

I wondered, really, at the back of my mind, how it felt to only be human. Never tie oneself to any achievements or what you've accomplished in life. To be so nakedly human that the only fact you accept in yourself is that you are only existing. Once you're strapped off of all those achievements validated by society, who are you? What are you? Would you even be worthy?

Then, it came to my mind, that don't humans only validate other humans through the term "society's expectations" to help them alleviate the feeling of unworthiness tied to the lack of recognition?

And if recognition isn't met, would one even be comfortable with the idea of merely living? I've thought of it. As a person who's entirely different than the entirety of my generation, where most strive to be known and respected, to be loved through their craft, I feel like I never fit in the expectations.

I would even consider myself an underachiever. I was brought up unlikely to a stereotypical Asian household where competition was bred from a young age, yet it was the opposite for us. It was freer. I know that it's better, yet I couldn't help but think that it might also be the reason why I'm scared of trying out something new, of risk. I might have been too used to my comfort zone.

Yet the way that people would resort to making up things like patriarchy and Barbie, wouldn't that also be considered staying in your comfort zone? I meant that they're making up something revolutionary and impacting most lives on earth, yet they're also creating something to accompany them in living, like the idea of patriarchy being drilled upon the minds of men so they could live in comfort as they plant some seed that boosts their pride and ego. So apparently what humans do is get out of their comfort zone to create another comfort.

It's quite crazy if you think of it.

So, wouldn't everything be a figment of our imagination?

Nothing's real, right? We, humans, only create comfort for our fear of the uncomfortable. To make lives easier, or else doing the hard work for the simplest things would be too much work. But then, we all work as well, for ourselves, for our goals, for our morals. If everything's just a figment of our imagination and like we're in some sort of a matrix, what are we achieving? Are we even achieving anything?

Or do we only continue creating comfort for ourselves to live normally and alleviate anxieties of facing the inevitable?

It then crossed my mind, that we are the ones creating our reality. This is probably why there are manifestations. And why manifestations come true. I feel like the idea here is that humans are put into the world, in a blank slate, like some sort of blank canvas. And they grow, and they paint the canvas through their imagination. Humans mark the world by themselves, leave a legacy, and become the icons that they are.

Reality is somehow very disturbing and truly uncomfortable, unpredictable, and uncompromising. Yet reality is a canvas where people make their visions a reality, where people collect ideas, make a change, and create the person that they want to be. Reality is both uncomfortable and very empowering. It is where growth sprouts from an individual and a proof that they have lived a good life. At the end of the day, no matter how uncomfortable reality may be, it still depends on how one views it.

I can make my dreams true, or I can't. Reality is your canvas. Paint it with your authentic colors, blending it with everyone else yet at the same time, standing out from the rest.

Nothing's real, so create your reality. Own up to it, manipulate it, make it yours.