all those rage, and i'm still here?

twenty - seven

"Family, familial bond—whatever it is."

Familial bond.

It's not that important to me.

I grew up with a complete family, and I do have a healthy relationship with them. I do care for them. I appreciate them. Probably the presence of toxic relatives strained the image of family to me, but truthfully, I'm not attached to family at all. Family's a part of my life, it's all.

Not something I'd die for.

The thirteen-year-old girl grew to despise the people who raised her whole being and provided her with care, food, and shelter. The reason was merely simple—she hated being born in poverty. She hated hearing the endless voices of her relatives with their endless questions of "When are your parents gonna get a job?" or "When are you gonna stop depending on other people to aid you financially?".

So the little girl wished that she could just work instead of them, yet rather than acting up, she merely fell into depression. What was that again, things beyond your control? Ah, that was it.

As she grew up, she realized that those people had their reasons, and similar to her, they were mere people pleasers who dedicated their service to other people rather than rising to power and aiming for success.

They only wanted a simple life.

She didn't know that that kind of simple life would result in nearly dying of hunger and struggling to have the necessities at home. But hell, she understood them. She understood that they were human and flawed, and it was fine because at least they were together.

The thread of patience was getting thinner, though.

She said, "If I could just express this rage healthily..."

Yet as selfish and insensitive as it may seem, didn't they also have broken dreams? Did they not do anything to reach those? Were they incompetent enough not to at least try and discover a path that they knew was meant for them?

"Our relatives needed us. Your aunts and uncles, your grandparents...everyone."

I understood that family is important. I truly, really, certainly do.

Yet aren't they also just other people?

I despise hearing someone say that it's their duty for their family. And if it's a duty of family, would you let them dictate how to live your life? Why couldn't you assert what you want? Should you only sit at the sidelines letting life pass without going for what you certainly want?

The point with broken dreams from those people is that when they can't meet them, they procreate instead. And those offsprings are supposed to carry on those dreams as if they don't have their own lives and paths to take.

There's certainly no existing pressure in the family—except relatives again, of course, they just have to say what they want you to do. But there's a thought lingering in my head—

I don't want to end up like them.

I certainly do not want to end up as people who'd build a family without being mentally stable to ensure there's no generational trauma to pass on and without much planning for the future of the children.

Everyone talks about money's not that important—or that's just how I've been raised, but heck, if it isn't exactly that important, why do people die of starvation and diseases? Realistically, money certainly makes the world go round.

And I thought about this, and I don't even want to be some breadwinner for the family.

Family's great and all. It's good support if they're sane and not just good at pointing out your flaws and telling you you're practically stupid for messing up one thing. It's gotten tiring to the point that I could just be deaf knowing that the moment I mess up, I'm everyone's common enemy in the household. I'm not living up to their expectation, after all.

I hate how they react as well. Perhaps I've been birthed nonchalantly, but I don't freak out. I remember that when the bus I was riding on was nearly hit by a truck and all mothers freaked out, I was out there, staring blankly at the window. But I didn't die, either way. That was the point. I hate how when I mess up, the problem has been told detail by detail and repeated like some sort of radio broadcast.

Okay, tell everyone about it. Pisses me off a lot because shouldn't it be that when there's a problem, it's supposed to be solved? Heck, I'd even be labeled stupid after nearly passing out of a headache because I pushed myself too much to clean. There's no gratitude for the good actions, and everyone's shaming and laughing at one single mistake.

I'm petty and I know it. And it will be repeated until the day I die.

The point is, that family is necessary. They raise you, make you realize the importance of relationships (if they ain't toxic), and shape you up for the world—but truly, they're merely humans who perceive the world differently from other humans, so they're practically flawed. If they've got something wrong such as a generational trauma influence, make it right. Just make it right for you and your relationships.

I'm not a fan of tradition either, so I'd technically rebel from any narrow-minded belief that has been drilled into my head. As I've said, my family's great—

But they're all I don't wanna end up to be.

I'm a selfish bastard. I'll aim for what I want or die trying. Despite my not still knowing what I exactly want, I sure am certain that I will take the path that is meant for me—doesn't matter if I take the path that is less pleasing to others. I'll stay true to myself, and live authentically, and I will never, truly never, live according to anyone else's idea of a 'perfect life'.

Familial bond.

It's not that important to me.

I don't hold it in such high regard as myself.

I'd only die for myself.