Our Demonic Spawn

2

The soft glow of the evening sun filtered through the curtains, casting a warm, golden hue over the living room as I sat on the couch, my mind swirling with a tumult of emotions. My son, Yunael, lay sleeping peacefully in his crib nearby, his tiny chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

I watched him with a heavy heart, my thoughts consumed by guilt and uncertainty. It had been months since he was born, but try as I might, I couldn't shake the feeling of disconnect that lingered between us. I wanted so desperately to love him, to feel that unbreakable bond that every mother was supposed to have with her child, but no matter how hard I tried, it remained just out of reach.

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, my chest tight with the weight of my own inadequacies. How could I be feeling this way? How could I be failing my own son, the one person in this world who depended on me for everything?

The sound of the door opening brought me out of my reverie, and I looked up to see Hailey stepping into my room. Her expression was filled with concern as she took in the sight of me sitting alone on the couch, my eyes red and swollen from crying.

"Ken, what's wrong?" Hailey gently asked as she crossed the room to kneel beside me. "You look like you've been crying."

I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could utter a single word, the floodgates burst open and the words came pouring out.

"I wanted to keep the baby, Hailey." I sobbed. "I wanted so badly to be a mother, to love him with all my heart, but I just... I can't do it. I can't form that emotional attachment with him, and it's tearing me apart."

Hailey's eyes widened in shock at my confession, her hand reaching out to grasp mine in a gesture of comfort. "Oh, Ken," she murmured, her voice thick with emotion. "I'm so sorry."

"You knew." I choked out.

"Your emotions are... overpowering with helplessness and desperation. Though, you control your aura well. But, it slips when you get overwhelmed with emotion." My lip quivered the more she spoke. "I've tried to be there without addressing the issue. I was waiting until you were ready."

"I'm ready because I can't deal with it anymore. I can't handle it by myself. I- I can't. It's just too much!"

"What's too much, Ken?"

"Everything! This is so hard! He cries all the time. He's fussy. He seems to look at me as if I'm a stranger. Like he knows what's going through my head."

"He can feel your emotions too. He's an angel as well." I bawled when she said that. "Ken-"

"He knows how I feel and that's why there's a barrier. He knows. He thinks I hate him."

"No, no. He doesn't."

"How do you know?!"

"I'm an empath, remember? I know."

"How would you feel if you knew the other person didn't feel strongly for you? As a child, that type of neglect and-"

"It's not neglect." She cut me off. "You're trying. And trying really hard. It's just something else." She whispered.

"What?"

"Ken." Hailey sighed. "I think you may have postpartum depression."

"No."

"Ken-"

"No!"

"It's alright. Lots of women experience it."

I shook my head, fresh tears streaming down my cheeks as I struggled to find the words to explain the tangled mess of emotions that swirled inside me. "I didn't want to admit it, even to myself," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. "I thought that if I just tried harder, if I forced myself to be the mother that Yunael deserved, that everything would be okay. But it's not, Hailey. It's not okay."

Hailey pulled me into her arms, holding me close as I cried, her touch a comforting anchor in the storm raging within me. "It's okay to feel this way, Ken," she whispered, her voice gentle but firm. "Being a mother is hard, and nobody expects you to have all the answers. But you're not alone."

"I feel so isolated." I admitted and clung tightly to her.

"Does Nyx know?"

"No and please don't say anything. Please no."

"Ken, she needs to be aware so she can offer her partner emotional support."

"I can't tell her." I reiterated.

"Why not?"

"Because I wanted this baby not her. She didn't and I trapped her, so I can't-"

"You didn't trap anyone, Ken. Two people are required to make a baby. She had just as much of a part in it as you. So no, it's not trapping someone. You wanted the child- the pregnant person wanted to keep the baby and you chose what your heart desired. Nothing wrong with that."

"But-"

"Calista." Hailey used my angel name. "Your body, your choice. Wasn't her body, so it wasn't her choice." She firmly spoke.

"Okay." I meekly spoke.

"We'll figure this out together, I promise."

I clung to her words like a lifeline, desperately hoping that she was right. But deep down, I couldn't shake the feeling of despair that gripped me, the overwhelming sense of failure that threatened to consume me whole.

As the night wore on, Hailey remained by my side, her unwavering support a constant source of strength as I struggled to come to terms with my own feelings. She listened patiently as I poured out my heart to her, my fears and insecurities laid bare in the harsh light of truth.