Our Demonic Spawn

4

I was able to tell that evening was fast approaching based on the shadows being cast upon the walls. My heart felt heavy, burdened by the weight of my thoughts, as I sat alone in the dimly lit nursery. Yunael slept soundly in his crib. His tiny chest rising and falling in a rhythm that seemed to mock the chaos within me.

The truth was, I wasn't coping. Every day felt like a battle, a relentless onslaught of exhaustion and despair. Hailey had alerted me of postpartum depression, so I did a little research on it. I saw how its depicted in movies and read about it in parenting books, but nothing could have prepared me for the suffocating reality of it.

I was supposed to be happy, elated even. After all, I had been blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby boy. But instead of joy, all I felt was emptiness. Guilt gnawed at me like a relentless beast, tearing away at my sanity with each passing day. How could I, a mother, feel this way about my own child?

I glanced down at Yunael's sleeping form, his face peaceful in repose. He deserved so much more than a mother who couldn't find it in herself to be happy. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over as I wrestled with the overwhelming darkness that threatened to consume me.

A soft knock on the door drew me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to see Nyx standing in the doorway. Her expression was gentle, filled with concern and love as she took in the sight of me sitting alone in the nursery.

"Ken, are you okay?" She asked, her voice soft with worry.

I forced a smile, though it felt more like a grimace. "I'm fine. Just tired," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper.

"You don't have to pretend with me, Kennedy," She murmured while hugging me. "I can see that you're struggling. Please, talk to me."

Her words were like a lifeline, a beacon of hope in the darkness that threatened to consume me. I buried my face in her chest, tears streaming down my cheeks as I finally allowed myself to let go of the facade I had been clinging to for so long.

"It's just... so hard, Nyx," I sobbed, the words tumbling out in a rush of emotion. "I love Yu more than anything in this world, but I can't shake this feeling of emptiness. I'm drowning, Nyx, and I don't know how to swim."

"Hey, I'm here for you. We're a team, right?"

"Ya." I breathed out.

"Is that it?" She cautiously asked.

"Ya, just lots of sleepless nights." I lied.

"Ken-"

"I'm gonna go for a walk."

"Okay." She didn't seem convinced. "I was going to bring Yu to Lily's because Kevi has been asking for him."

"Sure." I just agreed to whatever she said.

"Ken-"

"I'll see you at dinner." I gave her a pained smile before leaving.

X

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months as I struggled to find my footing in the midst of the storm. Some days were better than others, filled with fleeting moments of joy and laughter amidst the endless sea of despair. But more often than not, the darkness seemed to close in around me, suffocating me with its suffocating embrace.

Yunael grew and thrived, his laughter filling the house with a warmth that belied the chaos raging within me. Nyx tried her best to support and have me open up, but I was distancing myself and slowly becoming a shell of myself. Nyx was beyond concerned especially when I started losing weight and not sleeping. Try as I might, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was failing as a mother, that I was letting my son down in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend.