Forgotten Heartstrings

Chapter 14

I'm alive, yet I'm dead.

That was the first sentence I wrote in my journal. Those words seem heavy and sad yet nothing makes me sadder than the truth that it's all true. And, I can't deny it.

I exist in a state of being alive and yet also in a state of being dead.

Living while carrying the truth that, soon I will be leaving breaks me. Every corner of my soul seems to be tortured and dying already.

I exist in a state of being alive and yet also in a state of being dead because of it. So as much as I can, I will fight.

I will live above my demons and concur. There's nothing I can do but accept it and do every possible thing  I can to survive.

"Anything for you, love."

Napatingin ako sa kabilang table nang marinig ko iyon. There I saw a guy with his girlfriend. Parang binigyan niya ng singsing ang babae dahilan para matuwa ito.

That was such a kind gesture pero sana, sa kasalan ang uwi nila. Para naman may assurance na talaga. Napaisip nga ako kung what if sagotin ko na si Eris para matigil na ako kaka overthink. Napaka unhealthy kasi.

I sigh.

Actually, nasa coffee shop ako. I was sitting in the corner of the small coffee shop sipping my cappuccino when the smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the air.

Mabango at nakakarelax.

I took a minute to savor the serene alone as the sound of cups clinking and conversations hummed softly around. My eyes strayed out the window to observe the individuals walking by.

May iilang magjowa, bata at may iilang matatanda. Some were laughing and some seemed busy.

Pero naagaw ng batang umiiyak ang attention ko. Mukha  siyang nawawala kaya tatayo na sana ako para lumabas at tulungan ang bata nang may isa pang batang lalaki ang lumapit sa kanya at tinulungan siya.

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang mahanap siya ng kanyang ina.

I was just sipping on my coffee when I glanced at my watch, realizing with a start that it was time for church. I quickly gathered my things, left a few bills on the table for the coffee, and hurried out the door.

Nilakad ko na lang ang simbahan dahil nasa harap lang ito ng plaza. Kanina pa sana ako pupunta roon pero dumaan muna ako kay doc para magpa check-up. He just gave me the same routine I have to do para mas maging maayos ang pamumuhay ko.

Nang matapos ako roon ay dumiritso ako sa coffee shop para magrelax muna at mag journal.

The church stood silent and serene as I finally arrived,  which has been a stark contrast to the bustling vehicles outside. As I stepped inside, the cool air and the scent of candles embraced me. There were only a few people scattered throughout the pews, lost in their prayers and thoughts. I chose a spot in the middle and slid into the pew, trying to settle my racing mind.

May ilang minuto pa akong tumingin sa harap bago lingunan ang lalaking nasa tabi ko. With his eyes closed and lips moving in silent prayer, he was praying deeply. The intensity of his presence was almost hallowed, soothing.

Lumipas muna ang ilang minuto bago ko mapagtantong si Ender ito. His expression was serene, devoid of the typical concerns and fears that seemed to afflict our day-to-day existence.

Biglang bumalik sa akin ang kanyang sinapit nang mapagtanto kong may sugat pa ang kanyang labi. Dala siguro ng pakikipagbasagan niya ng mukha kay Ender no'ng gabi.

I feel sorry for him.

Ayokong maisturbo siya kaya nag focus na lang ako sa pagdarasal.

But the quiet presence beside me kept drawing my attention. When I finally looked up again, Ender had finished praying.