Forgotten Heartstrings

Chapter 26

Trigger warning: Suicide ideations

Play the song 'Sa sususnod na habang buhay' by Ben&Ben for this part.

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What is life without your parents?

What will be the essence of living without your loved ones who you need the most when everything seems to be closing their door for you? Perhaps, life is not worth living without your inspiration, your reasons for living and fighting, your source of energy and light, your everything.

I lost my mom and dad at 18 and even if it was weeks after their painful goodbyes, the pain remains, hunting me every night, every day, and stubbing every corner of my soul.

Walang araw na hindi ko sila namimiss at hindi ako nangungulila. Every corner of our house reminds me of them, the kitchen where we eat together, the living room where my dad used to watch basketball, and where they used to wait for me every time I go home late. My heart aches, even more seeing their empty room, the ambiance of our once sweet home was filled with loneliness, every day feels like a gloomy day.

My mom and dad were the strongest people I met in this lifetime. I couldn't be proud of them knowing that they fought just to give me the best life they wanted for me. I longed for their presence already and it hurts that they will never be with me again in this world. I would give everything just to hug them once again.

Ilang araw na akong hindi natutulog at kumakain. Hindi ko rin alam bakit mas pinili kong mapag isa kaysa damayan ako ni Hugo at ni Isaiah. They are the only ones who have been there for me since my mom and dad passed away. They mourn with me and sila na ang naging support system ko nang hindi na rin ako binalikan ni tita Sally kasi sa akin niya sinisisi ang pagkamatay ng aking mga magulang ko.

I wanted to cry but I got no tears left to cry. Ilang araw akong nagluksa at halos mamanhid na ang aking buong katawan. Ni hindi ako makapagsalita ng maayos dahil sumasakit na rin ang lalamunan ko kakahagulgol at hikbi. Damang dama ko ang kawalan ng pag asang magpatuloy pa sa aking buhay. Wala na eh, wala na mga mahal ko sa buhay.

Exhaustion has consumed me on every level – my body aches, my mind is heavy, and my spirit feels drained.

I wanted to rest already, I wanted to be with my mom and dad. Hindi ko na rin alam bakit hinahayaan ko pa ang aking sarili na magpatuloy sa paghinga kahit ang sakit sakit na. Kung puwede lang punitin ang dibdib ko at kunin ang puso kong nasasaktan para matapos na ang lahat.

Gusto ko nang magpahinga- pahingang kalianman ay hindi ko na mararamdaman ang sakit na dinulot sa akin ng mundo. Pagod na ako. Pagod na akong humiling n asana ay maging maayos ang lahat, pagod na akong lumaban, pagod na akong magpatuloy at alam kong mamatay rin naman ako dahil sa karamdaman ko kaya uunahan ko na, doon lang din naman patungo ang lahat.

I look at my wrist, cuts are still fresh on it making for the blood to slowly flow. Binitawan ko ang gunting na kanina ko pa hawak at inilipag ko 'yon sa aking bedside table saka malungkot na pinagmasdan ang litrato naming ni Eris na nasa magandang frame at nakatayo roon. It was our photo during our evergreen ford day wherein Isaiah took it for us. We were so happy back then but everything changed because of misunderstanding.

He never listened to me. Akala ko mahal niya ako pero hinayaan niya akong magluksa at hindi man lang niya ako kinumusta at pinuntahan. Ang sakit, he used to be one of my favorite people because he comforts me and even became my source of energy and happiness.

At least kapag nawala ako ay makaksama ko na ang aking mga magulang, hindi na rin ako maghihirap at malalayo ako sa mga taong nagdudulot sa akin ng sakit. Hugo and Isaiah? I think they will understand. Mawawalan na rin sila ng pabigat at abala kaya desindido na ako.