Back To You

Broken

Malakai Davis

I walked into Dr. Kline's office and sat down on the light green couch. "So Malakai, how are you doing?"

I smiled. "Awesome actually. Although, I am a bit tired because it's so early in the morning."

"Why'd you switch the time from later today?" Dr. Kline asked. Usually, I would attend therapy later in the day, two hours after school. But today I was unable to, hence the schedule change.

"Later today my mom and I are going to visit my grandma so..." I shrugged.

"Right, and your mother doesn't know that you're in therapy?" Dr. Kline asked.

"No." She wouldn't understand if I told her. She believed that what happens needs to stay in the home and all that toxic bullshit. Her complete and utter disdain for therapy and 'meddling' therapist, most likely were to blame for the way I found it hard to talk about my issues.

She took a pause before she asked the next question. I already felt myself tensing up. "So I am assuming, that your mother is unaware of your incident-"

"No. It doesn't really matter anyway. I'm perfectly fine now." I shut her down.

"Define... Fine." Dr. Kline asked slowly, confusion written all over her face. I could see her hand inching towards her pen and clipboard.

"I no longer have disturbing thoughts," I answered.

Dr. Kline took a short and concise breath. It wasn't long enough to classify as a sigh, but I still felt as though it was a breath of disappointment. "Malakai, I appreciate that you're coming to therapy. You come on time, and you do a few of the little exercises that I assign after every sessions. You also come sober, which I'm sure is very hard for you."

I frowned and scratched my arm uncomfortably. I struggled to understand the point of her statements. "Was that a compliment or a diss? I'm new to this therapy thing, so I'm having trouble navigating through therapist speak."

Dr. Kline smiled reassuringly. "It was a compliment, Malakai. I know it's very hard for addicts to function when they're sober. Let alone sort through their emotions. Especially considering that emotions tend to be the trigger for your drug use."

I nodded, in defeat. Not even bothering to let her know that I wasn't an addict.

She continued with her speech since I remained silent. "However you're just as guarded as when you started. You can not truly improve if you don't open yourself up." She scolded.

"I don't like talking about myself." I was never really good at it.

"But here you are. Not because you like therapy but because you need it. I'm here to help you, but I can only push you so far." Dr. Kline said.

I knew she was right. I wanted to get better, that was why I wasted my money on therapy in the first place.

"Okay." I sighed.

"Great, so define what fine is." Dr. Kline grabbed her pen and a clipboard. She was getting ready to write something.

I shrugged. "I have no urge to kill myself anymore. Honestly, I think I was just... drunk that day and that led to me... attempting or whatever."

"Depression is a roller coaster Malakai. You're not going to necessarily want to end your life all the time." Dr. Kline told me.

Depression. What an ugly word.

"Do you still use drugs to fall asleep?" She asked. I bit the inside of my cheek.

Of course, I did. But that didn't mean that anything was wrong with me.

"Malakai?"

Of course, it meant something was wrong with me. Something was always wrong with me.

I looked down at my lap and played with the bracelet on my wrist. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say. "I didn't tell you this but there was one time... like two weeks ago I um..."

"Take your time." She coaxed.

I took a deep breath. "I was really having a bad day and it felt like all the negative voices in my head were trying to drown me. I couldn't sleep so I smoked like I usually did. I mean I was able to fall asleep eventually. But when I woke up, the voices were still there."

"What were the voices telling you?" She asked softly.

"That everyone was better off without me," I told her. "And that everyone hated me."

"Do you believe the voices?" I didn't answer. "What happened in between the period of you not being able to sleep and being able to finally rest?"

I shrugged and looked back up at Dr. Kline. "I had like half of a blunt and..."

"And? Whatever you tell me Malakai is confidential. It stays between you and me." Dr. Kline promised.

"I was at a friend's house and we just slept in his bed," I answered quietly.

"Did this friend get high with you?" Dr. Kline wondered.

"No."

She wrote something down. "Did they know that you were going through a tough time?" I could feel my heartbeat starting to speed up.

"No."

"Did they comfort you?" She asked. I couldn't take anymore. The more and more questions she asked, the more I wanted to leave.

"No, we talked about something else before I fell asleep." My leg started to bounce as I fought the urge to get up and leave. Leaving would do me no good, and it was a waste of not only my time but my money.

"You don't have many friends. So I'm assuming this friend is Jason, your ex?" Dr. Kline assumed.

"We didn't do anything," I said quickly. I didn't want her to think that I was some whore.

"I'm not judging." She said softly.

"No, I'm serious. We weren't that type of couple. The kind that... has sex." I shivered in disgust as I thought about it. Jason and I had only done that once before. And while it wasn't a completely terrible experience, I had no desire to experience it again.

"It's okay if you're engaging in those activities. Many kids your age do." Dr. Kline pointed out.

Her statement didn't help the discomfort I felt. "I'm not. Not often enough anyways."

"If not, that's fine too." She assured me.

I scoffed, not believing a single word she said. "Are you sure? Because you assumed that we did. Many people do. So I'm assuming that it's normal."

Dr. Kline shrugged. "Assumptions can be harmful so-"

"If I'm not having sex with my boyfriend I'm not normal right?" I asked in fear. "The topic of sex is always weird for me, considering that I rarely want to have it despite all that teenage hormones bullshit. I mean I'm not attracted to anyone really. Well, maybe in certain instances, it's hard to tell when or why. I try not to think about it too much because it sends me spiraling like I am now."

"It's perfectly fine if you don't want to have sex with your boyfriend or at all. Many people don't." Dr. Kline said. I didn't believe a lick of what she said.

"Yes, they do." I sighed. "I'm just broken."