Back To You

Confusion

Malakai Davis

"Are you feeling okay today?" Dr. Kline asked me randomly. I stretched and cracked my back.

"Yeah, why?" I felt completely fine. I wasn't in a bad mood or anything, actually I felt pretty good.

She laughed and winced. "You seem... distracted... for a lack of a better word."

I frowned and bit the inside of my cheek. She was right, I had a dilemma that I couldn't stop thinking about. "Have you ever been confused before?"

"In what way?"

"Like knowing if you like someone or not?" I shrugged, not knowing how to ask my question. I didn't even know what my question.

She nodded. "Well, of course, are you talking romantically or platonically?"

I crossed my legs and flexed my foot. "Both, but I'm mainly confused in a romantic sense."

Dr. Kline's body relaxed a bit. She kind of pushed her clipboard to the side. "Well, I can help you figure that out. Tell me about this person."

I sighed, not really sure if I even wanted to talk about it. "I've never talked about her before... Laura." I said.

"Is Laura a friend of yours?" Dr. Kline asked.

"No." I snorted. Laura thought that she was my friend but I couldn't bring myself to call her one. "I don't particularly enjoy hanging out with her. I used to but I don't anymore." I elaborated.

"Why not?" Dr. Kline questioned.

I looked down at my hands. "Because she's... pushy."

"Pushy?" Dr. Kline went back to grabbing the clipboard.

I questioned if I said anything wrong. But I refused to let myself clam up. I took a deep breath and continued to talk. "Laura doesn't really listen to me. She's always begging me to spend the night at her house."

"Does she think that she's your friend?" Dr. Kline asked.

I winced and scratched my head. "Well... she thinks that we're more than that." I was hoping that Dr. Kline wouldn't ask me to elaborate on that, however, I was sure that I would have to.

"Tell me why you're confused." Dr. Kline coaxed.

"Well... um... Laura and I were hanging out last night and she told me that she went on a break with her boyfriend. She needed some time to figure out what she wanted, and she wanted to see how I felt about it." I told her.

"Why?"

I didn't know what to tell her, so I told her the truth. "I'm not sure but I'm sure it's because she cares about my opinion. Since we occasionally um... have sex..."

"This is a judge-free zone." Dr. Kline reminded me gently.

"By occasionally, I mean like three times. We never really get far because I'm just not interested and I tend to find an excuse." I elaborated.

"So you don't want to sleep with her?" Dr. Kline clarified.

"I don't crave it." I shook my head. "I don't crave it with anyone. I mean I've had sex with people. Jason and Laura but that's always because they want it."

"Malakai." Dr. Kline adjusted her position and I felt an immediate panic.

"It's not anything like that, I swear," I promised. "It feels nice but the attraction just isn't there. And I used to think I just wasn't into boys but... I'm not into Laura either so..."

"So you have sex with them for their enjoyment? But they don't exactly force you to." Dr. Kline clarified.

I nodded. "Jason was pretty nonchalant about me not putting out. I think it's because he understood that I wasn't attracted to him in that way. I only slept with him once because it was his birthday and I thought it would be a nice gift."