Islan-Dise

Helpless

(Stop reading. Like this chapter first. Please.)

Tre
~~~~~~~

"Eat Pa, please." I beg him.

He pushes my hand away. I put the plate down. I have been trying to feed him for fifteen minutes. His food is getting cold, but he refuses to eat.

He refuses to do anything.

"Are you going to try and walk today?" I rub his knee but he rolls backwards in his wheelchair.

"Islan...please stop this." I look down and realize he's urinated on himself. He follows my eyes and now tears are in his eyes.

"Hey, it's okay. You have no reason to feel embarrassed." I stand up and wheel him to the bathroom. I turn on the shower. I remove his spinal brace and I help him up to undress. I move him into the chair inside the shower. While he sits there, I go back into the room and pick him out some clothes.

I'm about to step back into the bathroom but I hear faint whimpering come from him. The challenging part about all this, is he doesn't even want me to touch him. This is incredibly hard, being that it's my love language. I would like to go in and wrap my arms around him, but he'll only become enraged.

There were little moments of silence, but the silence was so loud. There were promises we couldn't pledge, questions we dared not to ask. Things we left undiscussed.

His mood swings slightly differ. Was I making it better for him or worse?

His physical therapist gave me a complete rundown on what to expect. Still, there was no way to properly prepare for this. Detachment.

I gather myself and walk inside to place the clothes on the sink.

He quickly wiped his face and closes the shower curtain. "I'll be right out here when you need me." He smacks his hand on the wall. "If...sorry. If you need me." Why was needing me a trigger?

I pick up his soiled clothes and take them to the hamper. Then I return to lean against the sink until he's ready.

I recall the night before he was assaulted. Words of kindness, gentle eyes that seemed to like me. Our hearts on the verge of revealing their true feelings out loud. If only I could have postponed what would follow, better erase it and return to that chaise, overlooking the city as I take him from behind.

When he finishes, he pulls the curtain back. I walk up to him and turn the water off. I take the towel and start patting him dry. I assist him with standing, he almost slips but I catch him. "Just go slow."

"I amsh." His words come out slurred and incorrect.

He was trying.

"Okay." He steps out and hangs on to the rail. I kneel down to help him into his underwear. "Sure you don't want to put on some disposable underwear?Just in-"

"No!" He yells.

I flinch. I look up at him. "Okay, okay." I rub his leg. "Okay."

He looks away. After I have him dressed I sit him down in the wheel chair.

I roll him to the mirror, put on his deodorant, lotion him down, sponge his hair and put his du-rag on. He grabs my wrist and turns the wheel chair to face me. I walk closer and he hugs me. His face rest against my stomach. I rub the back of his head. "I know you don't mean it."