What if W(h)en

41부

Lan Haozhi stared at his son, his eyes almost crazed. "What happened? What happened?!" He repeated the question.

"I was happy! I was finally happy that I had learned how to love someone else! My own child, he was my son! Lan An... Lan An, my son..." Tears left his eyes as he stared at his palm.

"I grieved his death, I grieved Lan YiMa Laoshi's death... A-Zuan wouldn't have killed him if he wasn't driven to kill my son!"

The rest were shocked. If the story was like this, Nie Huaisang has got to update Yin TuWan about it.

"A-Zuan was all I had left, but I can't handle the pain I caused her. We gave the clan what they wanted! I gave everything I had, even if it meant not listening to Zuan when she said she didn't want to! I had to!" Lan Haozhi struck his chest.

Lan Haozhi looked at Wei Wuxian, glaring at the sun patterns on his robe. That jade pendant they carry as a pass to enter Qishan on his belt. "All because I liked a boy..."

Silence settled between them as Wei Wuxian's breath shuddered. "Was it really Niang...? The rumors of you sleeping together... Was it true? Did you love Wen XieHong?!"

"I LOVED HIM! I ADORED, I FANCIED, I LIKED, AND I WANTED HIM. I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM." Lan Haozhi laughed, his tears slipping down his chin.

'Gay angst is so sad.' Nie Huaisang thought as he looked away.

"I love A-Zuan... I love A-Hong. I have no excuse as to why I wasn't there to watch you grow up, okay? I didn't want you to be affected by my grief."

Lan Wangji bit his lip in frustration. Why? Why can't anyone ask him for help? Why did they all have to keep their problems to themselves? Wasn't it his purpose to be their keeper? To keep them safe? Was he always this misunderstood?

"Fa– No. Baba, why didn't you ask us for help? If not me, there's your brother! Shifu was always there for you. Your friends back in the sect..." Lan Wangji reached out, but Lan Haozhi stepped back.

"A-Zhan, you were a child! What good would it have done if I shared my burdens with you? Were you even capable of knowing how I feel? Are you even capable of knowing what I feel right now?!"

"I don't know because you don't say anything! You and Gege are the same. Always keeping silent as if you're being held captive. Would it kill you to rely on someone for help?!"

Lan Wangji argued, stepping forward to close the gap between him and his father.

"I never knew, and I always grieved the fact I won't be able to know. Gege was there but he was so distant. I had to get stronger, I had to be worthy to look eye to eye. What does it take for you to see me worthy of a conversation? Of your time?"

Lan Haozhi bit his lip as he watched his own son, his oh, so stoic son cry in front of him.

"A-Zhan, I hope you know that... That whatever I did... It was for the better, so please..."

He took a step forward, cupping the cheek of his son with his rough and calloused palms.

Lan Wangji, for the first time in his life, felt warm after being held. For the first time in his life, he felt that his tears were worth it to spill.

It wasn't a burning slap to wake him to the reality that he was a Lan. It was a touch that wiped his tears.

"Don't cry, Zhan-Er... Baba loved you so much to leave you... I already ruined your life by bringing you into this world, Zhan-Er..."

Lan Wangji weeped. He was standing straight as he sniffled. He wasn't sobbing or catching his breath. His cries were so silent that it was agonizing.

"But you were the one who brought me into this world... My life isn't ruined because it was you, and Mama..."