"Can you try to not like me? Maybe if you do, then I'll learn to not like you back."
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While having to protect himself from the demons of his past, Jin has a duty to protect Jungkook, the spoiled son of a billionaire business tycoon. His life is one...
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Jin placed a bouquet of pink Carnation flowers on the concrete grave before brushing away a pebble from it. He stood upright, took a step back and clasped his hand in front of him, looking down at the headstone.
He read the inscriptions on it for the millionth time since it was put up there 4 years ago.
Here Lies Our Beloved Son, Brother and Friend. Kim Ryujin. 1997-2020. We Love You, Officer.
Officer. Jin smiled sadly. He remembered Ryujin’s first day on the job, the day he’d gotten his badge with his name and picture and how he’d worn it to bed. No one could get him to take it off. Hoseok had only managed to convince him to not bathe with it.
Being a police officer had meant so much to Ryujin. All his life, he’d been an advocate for catching the bad guys and putting them behind bars. Jin had expected Ryujin to be a lawyer but Ryujin had told his parents that he didn’t have the brain for law.
He believed Jin was better suited to study law. Jin was intelligent and barely anyone in the house ever won an argument with him, even as a child. Ryujin had always believed he would be the one catching bad guys and Jin would be the one sending them to jail. The Dynamic Duo, he’d called them.
Until their parents died, Jin had walked along Ryujin’s dream path, preparing his mind that he was going to be a lawyer. Then he realized in a hard way that he would rather do the chasing and the beating than sit in an office and send one criminal after the other to jail. He could never be a lawyer. He didn’t want to be.
“I hope you understand. It just isn’t for me,” he said out loud. Somewhere around him a bird wouldn’t stop chirping and he took it as acceptance from Ryujin. “In fact, I know this is going to piss you the fuck off but I don’t think I’ll be going to the University.”
The bird went silent. Jin pursed his lips. Yup, the ancestors were pissed. He let out a sigh, and scratched an itch on the back of his neck.
“Mum and dad would be pissed as well, right?” He asked. “Listen, hyung, I love school. I enjoy learning and knowing stuff, and if I could just convince myself enough, I could go on to be a professor. But I don’t want to be the kind of professor who feels a dying urge to throw his fist into the face of every annoying student who pisses me off.” He paused, waited for Ryujin to digest that point, if he would.
“I’m a fighter, bro. Mum and dad’s death awakened a side of me that can never go back to sleep. It’s always there, okay? At first, it was fuelled by anger. I was angry and heartbroken and I felt betrayed and cheated, so I fought tirelessly. I had to fight or I was going to lose my mind. But now, it’s different. Now, I want to fight to protect. I don’t want to fight because I’m angry that mum and dad died. Or because I’m confused why you had to be taken away from me so early, I want to do it to defend.”
He swallowed, brushing his fingers through his hair. “Hoseok’s going to go crazy when I tell him. I’m going to apply to the Defense Academy next year, because I’m taking a gap year from school when I graduate. Don’t judge me. It also brings me to my next discussion.”
The weather was chilly and biting, and it had started to grow dark around him. “Principal Shim called me into his office today to share something with me. So, it seems I was supposed to graduate a Valedictorian.”
Again, he paused, his gaze swiftly shifting from Ryujin’s grave and sweeping around him at the old and new graves in the cemetery. “But I’m not. A few weeks ago, I beat a student up until he was unconscious and was admitted into the hospital. That could have gotten me expelled but because of Jeon family influence, I got the Valedictorian title moved to the next person. I guess, I’m lucky in that instance.
“Of course, I’m not happy about that. I don’t really give a shit about titles and all that, you know. But when he told me I had stood a chance but lost it, I felt sorrowful because I could have done that for you and dad and mum. I could have stood on that stage on graduation and dedicated the title and the certificate to the three of you. But I guess we’ll have to wait until I get my Defense Academy certificate, which I’m certain you’re still mad at me for.”
Jin listened for the bird to chirp again, to make a sound but he heard nothing. It was just an innocent, random bird chilling on the top of a tree but a small part of him wished it wasn’t. “You’ll have to convince mum and dad for me. I mean, I’ll tell them myself when I visit them but you’ll help me prepare them for the news. I know I’m their favorite child and they could never get mad at me, but I haven’t been a very good boy recently, so they might be a little salty with me. All I have to do is get mum her favorite flowers and she’ll kiss dad and tell him to forgive me, but you play your part as well, okay?”
Maybe the bird had gone to sleep, retired for the evening. The sound of breeze sweeping through the air was heavy. Jin pushed his hands into his pockets. “Can I confess something to you?” He asked, bringing his gaze down to his feet. “I lied to Hoseok on Saturday. I also lied to Jungkook this morning. I told them I didn’t care what Jungkook’s parents thought of our relationship, that I wasn’t afraid of their reaction and action when they find out about us.” He shook his head. “The truth is I’m fucking scared, hyung.”
His gaze blurred as Jungkook’s voice filled his head, Hoseok’s voice also talking somewhere inside there. “I never wanted to admit it, even to myself because admitting it makes it real and I’d rather not be in a reality where Jungkook isn’t with me. But I know,” he shut his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I know we have a lot to be worried about. The thing is, I’m not worried about his mother hurting me. I’m worried she’d be able to convince Jungkook to leave me. I’m worried Jungkook wouldn’t be able to take the heat. I know he loves me, but he has so much to lose if things go wrong, and I’m afraid he’d rather leave me than have things go wrong by being with me. Believe me, I’d understand if he left me to protect himself and his family’s legacy. I’d completely understand. But it’s going to kill me.”
He let out a shaky breath. “It’s going to destroy me if he ends our relationship when I’d give up everything in a heartbeat just to be with him, just to enjoy the happiness and peace he brings me. I know I sound like an idiot, but like mum would always say whenever you teased her and dad fondness, ‘I’d rather be a fool in love than not experience what it is to love and be loved back.’”
When he shut his eyes this time around, the bird started to chirp again. This time, its chirping came like a song, a sweet, melodic song that eased Jin’s breaking heart. “Is that you, hyung?” He asked, then laughed at himself amidst the tears rolling down his face. “I’ll take that as my cue to leave because every time I come to visit you, I go a little mental.”
After a moment’s passing and he had listened to the birdsong to his fill, his heart a little less achy, Jin opened his eyes and took two steps towards the grave. His hand ran along the rough concrete of the headstone and he said, “Thank you for listening, hyung. I’ll come see you again soon.”
He let his hand rest atop the stone for a minute longer, before pulling away, giving the grave one last look and then he turned around and headed home.
