ETB #1: Lost in Blank Stares

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I shut the door to my room and collapsed onto my bed, tears finally spilling over. I had been holding them back throughout dinner, trying to stay strong, but now I couldn't anymore.

I hated how he threw my achievements at me, as if wanting a good future was something to be ashamed of. Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-graduate; mas may masasabi pa ba siya pag nagka-trabaho na ako?

And now, me being gay is involved again. My family is well aware of my identity, and they accept me, but my brother just can’t understand it. Para sa kanya, dapat disappointed sila Mommy sa 'kin kasi, for him, being gay is a failure—a deviation from what he thinks a "real man" should be—and he can't comprehend why our parents aren't disappointed in me.

It's frustrating to see how deeply rooted his beliefs are, as if my identity threatens the very fabric of his understanding of masculinity.

Isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit nahirapan akong umamin sa sarili ko noon. I constantly noticed his hatred toward gay people. Isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit nahirapan akong umamin sa sarili ko noon. I constantly noticed his hatred toward gay people. Ang sabi niya, mga salot daw ang bakla sa lipunan. Bakit pinili nilang magpaka-bakla eh lalaki nga sila? Bakit pinipilit nila ang sarili sa kapwa nila lalaki?

Napabuntong-hininga ako at tumingin sa digital clock sa tabi ng mesa ko. Matagal bago tuluyang tumigil ang luha ko. Alas nueve na pala. Kailangan kong uminom ng tubig—pakiramdam ko tuyong-tuyo na ang lalamunan ko dahil sa kakaiyak.

Sumilip ako palabas ng kwarto para tingnan kung may tao sa paligid. Nang makita kong wala naman, tahimik akong bumaba ng hagdan.

"Look at how disrespectful your son is! Then Thalia witnessed all of that. He’s such a bad influence on our children, Miranda!" Narinig ko ang boses ni Dad; bagama't medyo malabo, rinig iyon malapit sa hagdanan.

"Bakit mo pa kasi pinagpipilitan na magtapos siya ng pag-aaral, ayaw nga raw niyang umasa sa atin?" my mother replied softly.

"He doesn’t want to rely on us, so why is he still here? I’ve been calm with him, but my patience is running thin. He’s also questioning why we’re letting Caspian live his life. And what if he’s gay? At least Caspian turned out to be a great kid, unlike your son who’s immature, homophobic, and disrespectful!" My dad’s voice tightened with frustration. "An apple really doesn’t fall far from its tree."

Tuluyan akong bumaba ng hagdan, ayaw ko nang makarinig pa ng pagtatalo nila. Hindi ako sanay sa ganito. My parents hardly ever fought, except when it came to my brother...

It was obvious my brother resented this family. He despised my dad for always checking in on him, even though all Dad wanted was to make sure he was okay.

May punto naman siya na hindi sukatan ang edukasyon sa success ng isang tao, but the way he said it was so off—as if education was a complete waste.

Bumalik ako sa kwarto. Ayokong matulog; ayokong dalhin ang mga nangyari kanina sa pagtulog ko. Kaya sinubukan kong manood ng mga videos sa TikTok.

"Oh, great! It's all relatable to what's happening at home. Does my TikTok have a secret camera? Ang relatable ng mga content!"

Nang akma akong mag-scroll ulit, nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita ang pangalan ni Stefano sa screen.

Stefano Valentino: You're still online. What are you doing? It's late na.

I bit my lip—ang timing talaga nito lagi.

Caspian Zephyr Renauldi: Scrolling on TikTok. Ikaw din naman, Mr., bakit gising ka pa?

Tumingin ako sa digital clock at nakita kong malapit na mag-alas dose.