ETB #1: Lost in Blank Stares

Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Trigger Warning: Sexual violence, suicide, self-harm, and abuse.

The hospital floor felt like it was tilting beneath me. I couldn't breathe. My world had suddenly shrunk into this cold, sterile space, where every sound became muffled, a distant noise I could no longer comprehend.

Si Kuya Aries...

Gusto kong isipin na magiging maayos siya, na makakaligtas siya. Pero sa likod ng isip ko, bumabalik nang paulit-ulit ang huli naming pag-uusap- o mas tamang sabihin, ang hindi namin maayos na pag-uusap.

I clenched my fists, trying to steady myself. With all the chances I had to insist on talking to him, with all the days I could have asked him to open up, why does it still feel like I didn't do enough?

Bakit hindi ko agad napansin? Alam ko namang may mali sa kilos niya-dapat may ginawa ako noon pa.

Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Mommy sa likod ko. Nanginig siya.

"Hindi ko alam, anak... Hindi ko alam kung paano ito nangyari," she whispered, her voice hoarse from crying.

Alam kong gusto niyang sisihin ang sarili niya. Gusto niyang paniwalaan na kung hindi siya umalis noon, kung hindi siya nagkulang bilang ina, baka hindi umabot sa ganito si Kuya.

Pero alam ko rin-hindi lang si Mommy ang may bitbit na pagsisisi.

Ako rin.

Gusto kong sisihin ang sarili ko.

Dahil kahit anong effort ang ginawa ko para maging okay kami ni Kuya, parang wala akong nagawa.

At habang nakatayo ako rito, sa isang ospital na kasinglamig ng nararamdaman ko ngayon, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang dalhin ang isa pang sakit na kasabay nitong dumating.

"I would like to announce the engagement of my only son, Stefano, to Celine Leclair, the daughter of the Eliazardes."

Napalunok ako. The words echoed in my mind, each syllable cutting deeper than the last.

Dalawang suntok sa dibdib nang sunod-sunod.

Dalawang sakit na sabay kong nilulunok.

I felt my knees weaken as I leaned against the cold hospital wall, struggling to keep myself upright.

I didn't know which pain I was supposed to focus on.

Si Kuya Aries, na hindi ko naagapan, na nasa loob ng ICU at hindi ko alam kung kailan gigising.

O ang tiwalang ibinigay ko, na binali ng taong hindi ko inakalang kayang gawin iyon sa akin.

Bakit sabay-sabay?

Bakit ganito kasakit?

The world felt unbearably heavy. My own thoughts suffocated me, trapping me in a spiral of pain and confusion. My hands clenched into fists, my nails digging into my palms, as if grounding myself in that small pain could distract me from the storm raging inside my chest.

I forced myself to take a breath, pero hindi ko alam kung nakakatulong. My throat felt too tight, my chest too heavy.

The hallway of the hospital stretched endlessly before me, its fluorescent lights buzzing faintly overhead. May ilang doktor at nurse na naglalakad, pero parang wala akong naririnig. Wala akong nakikitang malinaw.