Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

7th September, 1988

I have thought long and hard about what to do about L and I also want to apologise for skipping the day of the 5th, as I forgot to do so yesterday. I didn't want to, but I've been quite busy, and when I tried to put myself down to write, there would be Rae or Ayla to get my attention somehow.

I cherish this diary, as premature as this attachment of mine may seem. The day of the sixth was one of the few times when I was so open, even with myself, because I often blur certain emotions in my mind and put them aside entirely, because, at times, I seem to pretend to feel them with that intensity, since, when I think back, I tell myself that I didn't actually feel that way.

A 'madness' of the moment, let's say, because, even a few minutes later, I am no longer in that state.

In any case, that feeling of – what you might call – loneliness I was telling you about is not 'madness'. It is something constant, perpetually present because it is not situational. I don't feel alone because there is nobody in the room, but it's difficult to explain.

If I write that nobody knows anything about me, that is what I think, but that is not how things are. If I add 'relevant', that's also false.

It's just that I don't really feel seen by others, and it's because no one knows who I really am, because I avoid talking about it, and having an alias, no matter how much it protects my future, doesn't help in accepting m ̶e̶y past.

Back to L, I spent the 5th observing him, as well as commenting on his every action, because, unlike Ayla, I don't get into the game right away.

I prefer to study the target and research as much information as possible. I don't jump into the fray, so to speak, hoping not to be confronted by someone more skilled than me. I prepare myself in optimal conditions to anticipate every possible move or response of my opponent because having an effective strategy is better than exhausting them since they can always recover at an unexpected moment and overturn the course of events.

It seems that I disapprove of Ayla's tactic, which is true, but it is hers, and it seems to work in her case, so I am not going to discredit it, although it has many inaccuracies, randomness, and uncertainties.

In short, it is certainly not the plan to which I would entrust my fate.

While we're at it: I don't consider Rae's tactic the best either because she doesn't act immediately or prepare. She waits, waits, and waits. She waits for something to happen so that she reacts on the spot spontaneously, not worrying much about the outcome. She does this partly because she is confident in her abilities, but it is more the fact that she is happy if others succeed and is satisfied with her performance, whatever the situation.

This does not apply to the academic field. I am only talking about our comparison with others, because, for exams, of course, they both prepare. Rae more than Ayla and in a much more thorough way, but they both abandon their strategy and rely on classic pre-exam preparation.

Their techniques differ a lot, and I think having this level of diversity in the project is good because different cases require different investigation methods.

I can't help but wonder if, perhaps, I am the one making a mistake and should adopt one of these two plans of attack in order to achieve something meaningful in life.

I don't mean that the project is essential because it is doomed to perish, and I don't even want to be part of it. I couldn't care less, especially if it involves working with that slimy being.

̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶r̶a̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶p̶a̶r̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶i̶n̶ ̶L̶'̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶x̶i̶m̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶.̶