Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

9th September, 1988

If I didn't know better, I would say that my staying up late is due to L's appearance at the Wammy's House since there hasn't been a single night since he arrived that I have been able to rest for more than four hours.

However, as much as I would like to blame him for this damage to my health as well, he is not the main culprit. I have always had difficulty resting. Not only closing my eyes and having a moment of peace does not work very well for me. Many other activities are ruined by certain memories. I have found remedies for some aspects that cause me anguish, but others are not under my control.

L, for example, to which X and T are added.

I am still unable to accept what they have done. I didn't run into them at all after I left the room as Ayla was telling me to stop. It seems it was something unintentional if I write it like this, but it was one hundred per cent intentional.

It's not just the change of identity but also the trust they placed in L for sharing information with him that I came to know a year after we met. ̶I̶t̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶m̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶i̶d̶e̶r̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶L̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶l̶e̶v̶e̶l̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶ I am beginning to think that their consideration of L is higher than the one they have for me since I have not shown the same 'intelligence' that the boy likes to brag so much, and everyone appreciates so highly.

I haven't really heard him boast about how brilliant he is, but I have the impression that he does when he talks to others because he knows I don't believe he is what he sells to the public.

In any case, I spent the night in the library, because it is the only place where I can have some peace, because the walls made of books protect me, but my presence there did not last very long.

I ran into Lex when I had to go to the bathroom. We greeted each other, and I thought our interaction would have ended that way, but he noticed that I wasn't going to my room and decided to ask me where I was going at that time.

I explained that I had a disagreement with the two of them and that I needed some time alone. I thought that would have ended the conversation and that he would have let me go. Instead, he offered to accommodate me in his room.

After an exchange of lines, with me refusing and him insisting, I accepted because I didn't want my rejection to keep him up at night thinking about where I would sleep.

We are not entirely friends, but he has always shown apprehension even towards those he has only known for a few hours. He is one of those people I was telling you about who would be willing to include L in the Wammy's House, which means that, from now on, I have to make sure that they don't socialise too much, just the bare minimum so as not to raise doubts about my interference.

I tried to disturb Lex's friends as little as possible, even though he reiterated that I needed to relax and that, whatever I did, I would not bother any living or dead soul within those four walls.

Obviously, I did not sleep with Lex in the same bed as him because that would have been awkward, and it was not wide enough for us to sleep peacefully.

They gave me their four pillows to be more comfortable on the floor. I did not put myself in the middle of the room, as I could have done, since they have two bunk beds and not three parallel beds like my room.

I settled myself near the left corner, visible only to Lex and his mate below.

They were polite, most likely because they were half-asleep when Lex asked them to pass me the pillows, but, either way, I was pleased that, although we don't talk regularly, I'm not a complete stranger to be monitored for fear of being attacked.