Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

8th October, 1988

I think I've identified the person Lex publicly resents: Faust.

I haven't told you much about him, because I've never considered him of great importance, but now, he has become so, because he allows me to understand how Lex behaves when he can't stand someone.

Faust is part of L's project, and he was given a letter before T, which I couldn't pinpoint, because I'm avoiding Lex and I'm not particularly close to the boy. He is a year older than Lex and is in grade six, which leads me to wonder why Rae doesn't have a letter 'indicating her prowess'.

These were the exact words Faust reserved for Ayla as they were bickering.

It means that, within the group, they were divided and classified further according to that criterion, which, like anything L has done since he has been here, is wrong in its application. Rae is definitely better than Faust in most, if not all, aspects; therefore, L's inability to judge is obvious and should be for my two best friends as well, but they continue to do as he pleases, for some reason unknown to me.

I am not going to stand idly by in the face of this blatant injustice. I have not had a chance to talk to L, because the more time passes, the less he leaves his room. I have to speculate that he's devoting himself to something that steals a lot of his attention, but I don't want to think about it, because that makes me want to ruin it, and without information on that, it could impact Rae and Ayla too.

I could inform myself, but, if he doesn't come out, it's difficult and I can't ask them, because, to be honest, I'm still avoiding them, limiting my interactions with them to lunch, eventually dinner and before bedtime.

I told them that Roger gave me a particular task to make up for the failure of the passing exam. They asked me for details, but I denied that I could give them, because it is a special treatment given to me, as the situation in June was ambiguous. In short, I lied that I did not want others – of any grade – to feel disadvantaged because of that. They believed me, even though I have no tangible evidence to prove it and without my behaviour proving the existence of this work, which made me feel guilty because they seem to trust me blindly.

Rae even asked me if I needed help and I refused, saying it wasn't as difficult as I spoke about it and that I would be fine.

They said nothing.

However, yesterday, I thought I heard them confabulating something behind my back – actually, in our room, while I was outside after returning from the bathroom. I heard my alias being pronounced and, after a few minutes, not being able to hear much else, I went in, at which point they stopped talking about it and started discussing a new movie Watari bought, which is about to be screened in less than ten minutes.

I'm not going to show up at that typical leisure meeting, because it's the only time I can have the whole upper floor to myself. Everyone attends, even those who are older, even though it may be an immature film in their eyes, because popcorn is being distributed.

Theoretically, I could eat it, but the idea that this could backfire on me in the future stops me. Nowadays, I don't often have bad episodes, but the memory is enough to keep me away from any food that isn't typical for a meal, that I don't need to ingest or that Ayla doesn't want to enjoy with me.

Although I want to spend a lot of time in the infirmary, I don't feel that the most appropriate way to do this is to give myself that kind of physical discomfort, which makes me feel as if I am on the verge of completely emptying the inside of my body.

On the 2nd of October, I happened to be there, because Ayla, even though I kept telling her that I hadn't hurt myself, wanted to check that nothing was broken. We didn't spend much time inside and I felt a bit sad about it, but I didn't want to worry Ayla unnecessarily by making up a few more excuses to get more checks.