Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

21st September, 1988

Why is the solution to certain problems so humiliating? Sometimes, keeping the reason that consumes you seems to be less shameful than admitting that it is a problem that needs solving.

Actually, in my case, I don't even know if what I was trying to do was actually the solution. I only know that it is to put my mind at rest and finally accept that what I did had to be done. To believe so, at least.

But I am a coward, because the very idea of facing him makes me sick to my stomach. I can't actually imagine how things could go and that causes me a huge block. I have nothing stable to cling to, because my memories are shards of glass that do not fully reflect the situation.

I like to think that he might welcome me with open arms and forgive me, but realistically, it seems rather unlikely. I am the reason he lost a family and freedom. I am the reason he suffers more than he deserves. Asking him for sympathy is absurd at this point when I had none in putting that plan into action. I did what I thought was best for me and did not take into consideration the fact that some detail might change. I had such a narrow view of what could happen that I did not ask myself all the appropriate questions.

I was stupid. And it's all my fault.

Wammy's House allows me to make up for one of my shortcomings, but, clearly, it is not enough, because cowardice remains an integral part of who I am.

I should stop trying to put plans in place that I am certain will fail. I wasn't even one hundred per cent sure I wanted to do it, and that was evident when, after positioning myself at the side of Watari's office and waiting about ten minutes for him to return, I ran off as soon as I saw him coming out of Roger's room.

I don't think he noticed me, because he didn't come to ask me anything about it. However, it is his habit not to come and talk to me or explain certain facts to me, so maybe he saw me, but he preferred to pretend nothing happened, because I am not worthy of occupying his time in any way.

Nevertheless, I am not going to let my friendship with Rae and Ayla be ruined by L.

I am going to try again. I'm going to force myself to stay there in front, until Watari takes me into his office. I don't think I need to go through Roger, because honestly, I don't know how aware of my past he is. In fact, even yesterday I didn't ask him to warn Watari of my desire to talk to him.

Perhaps, I should have done so, because having a third party to the matter know of my intention adds more responsibility. I know there's you, but you have no way of giving me a disapproving look when I change my mind and don't do what I set out to do. It helps a lot that you are not real and here with me, but, at the same time, I wish you were.

You are already a friend to me, and I would like to have you here with me, but that talk will be for another time. I want to focus on something else for today. Something slightly more important than you.

I was saying that you being an inanimate object allows me to be able to tell you that I am failing in this endeavour of mine, without feeling twice as bad.

Clearly the solution to this problem would be a real person who can reprimand me for what I propose to do and don't do, but I have no one to confess this to. Only you, who cannot even oblige me.

I tell myself that I have already found myself in a similar situation and the consequences were not the best; therefore, my mind considers complete failure more likely than possible success.

Moreover, one question is more pressing to me than the others: what if he thought that I went to mock his situation? That I was there to taunt him?