Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

15th September, 1988

Sometimes I expect to be treated badly by people who have always shown tolerance and understanding towards others.

I realise this is a strange way to start talking to you, Mazzaroth, but thunderstorms, like the one raging now, completely alter the atmosphere inside the Wammy's House. It forces those who are used to being outside to have to share the same space as those who prefer to be inside, and as stifling as it may be for them to be cooped up within four walls, this feeling of imprisonment is not reflected in their actions. They don't complain too much about the rain or go nagging those who, being mainly in the main hall, implicitly communicate that they want peace.

They have found themselves organising board or group games, in which they have fun but do not deny comfort to those who ask for it.

It somewhat reflects the spirit of Wammy's House, which is lost when everyone always seems to be in a hurry to improve themselves and is desperate to occupy every second of their day so as not to consider it wasted.

I don't share this pursuit of always having a complex activity to immerse oneself in, but I respect it. Perhaps it is the fact that I cannot imagine a future in which I try to be at the top of my career, whereas it is a constant desire that I find in everyone here.

I want to be a journalist because I enjoy writing, not because I want to be recognised globally for my articles. Lex joked that I could be, but the mere idea of having to find myself in such a situation is overwhelming.

The greater your fame, the greater the expectations associated with your persona, and you never know if

I just ripped out half a page, because that discourse is unimportant now and it ended up on my father.

The point is that this situation of general calm and cooperation between different poles creates a cosy, but also sentimental environment, in a way. I don't expect older guys, interested in others, to find themselves confessing eternal love in the main hall. That's not what I mean.

It allows me to focus on how I relate to them and how I expect to be treated. By looking from the outside, observing their behaviour, I can see what is different, which brings me back to the first sentence.

I know I am a pessimistic person in many situations. It's not something I deny or actually want to change in myself, because I don't feel that this aspect of mine tends to influence my life experience in an exaggerated way. I also feel unable at times to be optimistic, despite wishing it.

It is not, conversely, the reason why I expect others to behave differently; on the contrary, I fully understand why I have such expectations.

The question is why I think so, when others know nothing about it.

I have no doubt that there is not a single individual within this structure who knows about it, as I have avoided associating myself with the incident in any way. I told Rae and Ayla that I lived in a completely opposite part of my old abode. I never mentioned any tragic event in my life, except that of abandonment, which, theoretically, must be, even though I have no negative feelings in relation to it.

I have been careful in calculating my every word or action, so that there would be no suspicions about what I want to pass off as truth, and I am sure that no one asks questions, also because I imagine that many are more interested in themselves, their goals, their past, than to pay attention and time to researching what the reality is. Besides, we all know that it is against the rules to know someone else's identity. This last point alone taken independently should be enough to discourage anyone from meddling in a matter that does not concern them.