Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

20th September, 1988

The day before yesterday, Lex decided to pay me a visit.

The circumstances that led him to such a visit are more complicated than this. He, probably, saw my pen on the floor, because L decided to put it there, and thought of knocking to tell me to take it. It was I, then, who signalled him to come into my room, as I had no intention of having a conversation in the middle of the corridor with L present, as he would surely be listening to us.

He tends to disregard the confidentiality of other people's discussions, but I don't want to spend too much time describing or talking about him. I guess you're getting tired too.

I wanted this diary to be different in its content. I wanted to be able to talk about things that weren't just melancholic and irritating, but L ruined that too.

Sure, I wanted to be able to express myself freely and delve into my moods, even the more uncomfortable ones, but it's different when everything revolves around him and my past and not what I'm experiencing.

The existence of the anti-justice in my life only keeps me anchored to a person who should no longer exist.

I told myself to drop this term, but I decided to use it only with you, because Rae, Ayla and Lex would not understand the myriad facets that such a word contains and how appropriate it is for L. I didn't say it to Lex or Ayla, but their reaction would be no different from Rae's if I were to expose it to them as well; therefore, I avoid the humiliation of being contradicted on something I firmly believe in.

Anti-justice is everything that should be justice, but fails to be. L is everything I wish he were, but he is not at all. I wish he was really gone, but he is still here and seems intent on staying, as he does not consider his presence a burden to anyone.

I think he believes he is the opposite: some kind of blessing, because he has arrived and seems to have the solution to whatever problems his chosen ones have.

I think this is one of the great aspects of his anti-justice, because he did not decide to do this regardless of their participation in the project, but as a bargaining chip for the fact that they accepted.

I am not saying that he should take my problem on his shoulders, because there is nothing that can be done to solve it. It's a closed case or, in any case, if they are still working on it, there's no getting him out of there.

However, if I were someone who could have their life turned upside down again, but in a positive way, and I wasn't picked, I would have hated his selfishness. Not to mention that taking on such responsibilities only shows his mania for greatness and believing himself capable of incredible missions.

Lex told me to give him a chance, that he is not as evil as I seem to conceive him in my head, and I have to be honest: it is becoming difficult to keep quiet about the real motivations behind my actions.

I am not angry with him or unnerved by his words. I don't want to lash out at him, because I don't want to burn a bridge that could make him my friend in the fairly near future.

I just told him, in the calmest tone possible, that it is a complicated matter that I have to resolve, then shifted the focus of the conversation to something else. He seems to have taken my answer as a step towards a common solution that would put my mind and L's at peace, when that could not be further from the truth.

He mentioned that he had talked to L – alone, I think – but I could not ask him more, since he had revealed it when we were also in his presence. I didn't draw attention to that information, because I'm trying not to be 'obsessed' with everything L does, despite the fact that everyone around me has made him the subject of many discussions.