Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

25th September, 1988

Apparently, my strategy is working. It's only been 56 hours, but Lex hasn't tried to approach me since he tried to pull me out of my room to go downstairs and play with his friends.

I noticed him giving me a few looks during meals, but he never came to talk to me, which is good, because I didn't want to publicly run away from him. It would have been obvious why and I want to be as discreet as possible while trying to stop wanting to be his friend.

I didn't expect it to be more difficult than I imagined, because I thought I didn't have time to get attached to him and, thus, I shouldn't feel sad about a choice I voluntarily made and which is not having negative consequences.

I guess it's the guilt that comes from ignoring him that leads me to feel this way, because I don't like the idea that he thinks I broke a promise he believes I made. I think it is this and not so much the fact that I have to be his assistant, because he doesn't give me assignments that can actually help him. It would be different if he asked me for help with his limited mobility, because I can't just turn away, but that is unlikely to happen if I keep avoiding him.

Besides, his absurd request to be his teammate in a trivia game would have had no positive outcome. I am not good at such a game. I don't have as much general knowledge as Rae. She would have been perfect for that role. I wonder why he didn't ask her, since he bumped into her, and she was the one who let him know about my position. He could have made that proposal and definitely won. The most I could have offered him was moral support, since defeat would have been assured.

I believe he is an extremely capable person and would have been able to answer at least 60 per cent of the questions adequately, but I would have remained silent. I would rather keep quiet than be in the wrong. Besides, I don't want to show the connections my mind makes to people I don't consider friends and that can create a psychological and behavioural picture of me. Elioenai has not fully succeeded yet and I do not want to help him in this. Seeing me next to people with whom I have no intimacy could give him too many signs to investigate and I must avoid that.

I haven't managed to get into his room yet, because every time I venture inside Wammy's House, I have the impression that either Lex or L might appear behind me and ruin everything; therefore, I am more cautious in my movements. Also, it's starting to get really cold outside and the two of them – Elioenai and Natal – tend to stay in their room a lot. It is difficult, as a result, to find the right moment and have enough time. I have to do it when we are not usually all together in the same place, so that my absence wouldn't be suspicious.

You also understand how complicated it is, but I do not consider it unfeasible. There are many alternatives, some more moral than others, to remove them from their refuge for long periods of time.

The problem is that I cannot be sure that Elioenai did not realise my incursion and decided to hide it somewhere else. Last time it was hidden under his underwear. I guess he thought that no one would dare to snoop there, but it was imperative to check any place.

Honestly, that's the first place I looked, since it's in the same spot where I've hidden Mazzaroth several times. It helped me realise that it's a rather predictable and I found myself having to change it, but, now that I think about it, I wonder if L also chose that same spot as a hiding place for his binder. Unlikely, since it's definitely bigger than mine or Elioenai's notebook and, knowing his way of thinking to some extent, I get the impression that he hid it in Watari's office or some place that's difficult to access if you're not skilled at not being noticed.

I was thinking of Roger's room, because it is very 'protected', so to speak. He spends a lot of time there and even locks it, but I wonder how much confidence the two of them have to make L feel safe in leaving everything in his hands.