Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

27th September, 1988

Mazzaroth, I have so many things to update you on, but I don't seem to have the time to do it, because it goes by so fast, and I feel like I'm running in place trying to get to it.

I find out that Ayla is getting help from Rae to reach the Apexes and, while this is something positive, it seems to create a further distance between us, on top of the one that exists because of how much time she spends with L, because she has started since she mentioned that, with L's absence, she could concentrate on reaching her.

Seventeen days have passed since then, and I haven't noticed in the slightest that she had indeed begun to work. I didn't even manage to grasp the fact that it was a serious intention and not one of her usual plans that would take a long time to rest before being implemented.

I am happy that she has decided to go down this road, no matter how much I don't approve of the Apex, but she seems to be getting away from me with each passing day.

Rae has started spending more time with Daralis. What if Ayla also joins them and I turn out to be in the way? Both of them always told me that their position didn't create any difference between us, but what if it did and they preferred Daralis rather than someone who doesn't try in any way to improve herself and isn't remotely close to what she is?

I do not possess any of her characteristics either. She is very funny, as I always hear those around her laughing. She is friends with everyone somehow. She has beautiful red hair and freckles. She is also in L's project.

Even L has noticed that I am avoiding Ayla, which also means that she has understood it, because she is much more skilled at observation than he is, but she has not said anything to me, and it is natural for me to wonder why.

If it doesn't bother her that I do this, does it mean that my presence or absence at her side makes no difference? Why, then, did we make that pact? Had she felt morally obliged to me, without it being accompanied by any affection? Was she pretending? Is that why she seems to prefer L's company more than mine?

I don't know what to think, but I don't want to lose her, and I want to show her that I can be her friend, worthy of being so.

That's why I've decided to force myself to talk to Watari. I'm currently waiting for him to come out of his office and go to his room, as it's already late. I'm positive he hasn't gone to bed yet, because I've been here since after supper. I've sat down near the wall, with my dinosaur colouring book, so I can catch his eye immediately.

I've already run away a couple of times, but even if I feel the urge to leave, as I already do, I won't. I will walk up to him, whatever my mind should tell me or my body should feel. I thought of using another issue as an opening to speak about him, like my shoulder wound, because it gives him an idea of the direction I want to go with the talk.

Should I not be able to get up – because, as right now, my legs tremble slightly under your weight, Mazzaroth –, I have something planned to get his attention: I will stab my right thigh with the pen. In the mental projection of my plan, this worked flawlessly, but then, I realised that it did not take into account reality and my innate sense of self-preservation that prevents me from causing myself unnecessary pain; therefore, I have already practised.

I have been able to calibrate the force I have to use, but now, I have the fear of being able to hide any screams, because I have already had to do that. I have taught myself to bear it; so, what I have to fight is not so much that characteristic of mine, but my predisposition to avoid making noise. I don't want anyone to hear me, which is inevitable with the deathly silence that always descends on Wammy's House at this hour.