Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

16th September, 1988

Despite it being a concluded episode, I thought I'd update you on what happened at lunch yesterday with Rae and Ayla. I'll gloss over the fact that I spent a few minutes talking to Lex and that the two of them arrived slightly later than usual, because I don't think that's an extremely important detail to consider.

Ironically, while I was talking about Natal and Elioenai with Lex, Rae and Ayla were talking to the two. To be precise, Ayla was putting away a game in the library and had seen Rae, who was having a discussion with them. She had told her that they should hurry up, because they were already late enough, but then she was sucked into the conversation or, in her words, 'forced to stay and listen'.

The topic of discussion? L.'s project.

Having asked for explanations myself, I could not escape from that, from any flattery towards him that they had in mind and wanted to air loudly.

However, it did not happen. They said nothing positive, or negative for that matter. It was simply a neutral conversation about Natal and Elioenai's views on the matter, nothing more.

L's sudden departure has shaken them a little and, strange as it may seem, they have the impression that he has not simply been transferred to another orphanage, but that there is something more 'sinister' going on. Of course, they have no evidence to support their thesis, other than general impressions and Watari's silence, which are not valid, but it does not dissuade them from this idea, absurd though it may be.

They did not fully expose their hypotheses, because they were not sure and did not want to alarm others, but they tried to gather as much information as possible about him by interviewing other former members of the project.

I was therefore mistaken about them when I saw them outside in the garden. Elioenai was not reading poetry, but transcripts of their answers and descriptions of their non-verbal language and the way they expressed themselves. I expected some accuracy from Elioenai, but the precise way in which he reported every single detail, even the most insignificant, in the little time available – another detail marked in the notebook – is impressive.

I didn't get a chance to read and analyse everything, because if I had lingered, I would only have risked getting caught. I've put it off for another time, but their records can help me understand who L was. I have no intention of using them to locate him in the near future or to find out his real name, as I believe it is a line not to be crossed.

No matter what, I must respect the rules within the orphanage, even for those who have abandoned it. I can only accept to learn about the identity of others, if they tell me on their own initiative, after thinking it through and calculating all possible consequences, even the most negative ones. I am not saying that I would use such information to extort anything for my own benefit or even as revenge. I just think it is wise to assess the repercussions of such actions, even when it is about me and when I am sure I am not prone to such mean-spirited behaviour.

The reason I seek clarification on his person is to have one answer, but until I find it, I will not write the question.

In any case, this reminded me – although it is not as if I had actually forgotten – of L's computer. Initially I thought I would wait a few weeks, so that all the turmoil created would dissipate and the eventual discovery of what I had done would not provoke any general indignation, although I do not understand why it should create it, since it could simply be put in the library and used as a study tool alongside the one that already exists.

I realised, though, that stalling reduces my chances of getting my hands on it, since they might eventually remove it from the room. I know it is still there for now, because after Rae and Ayla's frantic search on 10th September, the door has never been touched; therefore, nothing inside has been moved.