Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

11th September, 1988

Mazzaroth, I have some good news, which also changes the tone of this diary, as it has been rather sombre.

L is gone, and I mean permanently.

I didn't update you on the situation yesterday, despite telling myself to do so at least before bedtime, because I wanted to put my energy into something more meaningful: the mending of my bond with Rae and Ayla.

Before moving on to them and the general situation at the post-L orphanage, you may be wondering how I feel about his departure.

Relieved is the first word that comes to mind.

I will never have to hear the pronunciation of that nickname again, unless I have the unfortunate coincidence of meeting him in the future, which I highly doubt, as I will move to another country once I leave this place.

If I distance myself from what happened, it will only appear as a nightmare and not something that has permanent consequences on my life. It will prevent the latter from happening.

After arriving here, since I had the chance, and for a reason – a person – that I prefer not to think about, I started reading psychology and clinical psychiatry manuals to better understand my situation.

Besides finding nothing to help me understand whether Watari's decision, prompted by Roger, to let me talk to him had any substance, it was also disappointing and frustrating not to find anything about my specific condition. When it came to the topic I was interested in, the focus shifted to something else entirely.

In any case, it's clear that they were wrong to let me talk to him, because not only did it not help me, it didn't even make sense.

I do not have any serious, but only temporary problems. The incident with L is proof of that and I must ensure that this does not happen again. I had a real moment of irrationality, and I cannot risk living my life illogically and ruining my career, which is based on reason.

I have to get away from everything that reminds me of my past, in short.

I have also considered moving to a country where the national proficiency in English is low and focusing on rural communities, where this percentage decreases exponentially. It is true that in the latter case I would have to give up my aspiration, as there would not be much to occupy myself with and travelling goes against the aforementioned, but I consider it a possibility not to be discarded. The last beach to take refuge on if I could not control my reactions.

I guess I had reacted like that because I was taken aback. It is not every day that you come face to face with a letter used as an alias, the pronunciation of which only brings to mind a certain incident. I did not prepare myself for the eventuality and it was a mistake on my part, but now, knowing that it is possible, I know what to do and how to behave.

One big question remains: how many other things did I not bear in mind?

You will tell me that all I have to do is look back over my memories and take note of anything that may recur, which is a completely wrong suggestion, because it always brings me back to the issue of hypotheses and, therefore, does not move me forward.

The answer is to remove the base – Great Britain (not to be too specific, although I indicate that I am not from around here, otherwise I would have written it down). Removing this island should remove many of these factors that I have no way of discovering for myself.

I will not leave Wammy's House, anyway. I think it's clear from the way I'm talking to you, but I wanted to make it explicit, because it feels good to write this for some reason I haven't fully explored. I will continue to see these familiar faces, show up in places I know quite well, and interact with individuals I have learned to live with, and I am not obligated to any of this.