Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

16th October, 1988

I feel I should make a premise: I am in no way trying to get close to Lex and become friends with him. What I'm about to discuss is just something I've been thinking about since yesterday, and since I know Ayla would tell me to drop it, that I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't want to disturb Rae, who continues to be particularly committed to forming a stable relation with those at the top, you are the only one available. Therefore, don't misunderstand my intentions. They are only of knowledge and understanding.

I have the impression that I have made a huge mistake, but I cannot understand what it is.

A couple of months ago, I entered the library with the desire to spend some time alone. It was quite late, and I didn't expect anyone else to be there, but there was Lex and someone I couldn't identify. They were having a fairly quiet conversation and, in those few seconds, as I advanced to head to the back of the room, I happened to hear 'car accident' and 'in the other orphanage' being uttered by Lex. I left immediately afterwards, quietly, and tried to forget the event.

Obviously, I wondered what it meant and arrived at the only possible explanation: his family was in a car accident and since he is here, it means they are dead.

I confirmed that this is the reality, but the way I did it was by asking him why he kept talking about his parents in the present tense, as if they were alive, which revealed that I had known for a long time and, if he didn't tell me, it meant that I was listening to a private conversation of his, which obviously paints me as someone who doesn't respect other people's space and who meddles in matters that don't concern her.

This is certainly not a positive impression.

However, it was not intentional. It is not even eavesdropping in the true sense of the word. I didn't get a chance to tell him, because the conversation died down after I asked him that question, and we were interrupted by L continuing to annoy Ayla.

I had the impulse today to say something to him about it, for example that I was sorry I had heard that and I shouldn't have, even though it wasn't in my control, but it seemed to me that he was avoiding me, because, even when we passed each other, as I was coming out of the bathroom and he was walking in front of it, he gave me a quick look and then immediately lowered it, also quickening his pace.

I did something so... Evil? I don't even think it's one of my most reprehensible behaviours. He doesn't know about the accident and many other things, that's true, but I sprained his ankle. I guess eavesdropping could be considered a lower level on this imaginary scale of all the things I have done that are not good.

The only things that I would consider as aggravating variables are the fact that it concerns his past – information that should only be known in case the person themselves decide to tell me – and his parents, because certainly some people find themselves emotionally attached to such figures in their lives.

I would like to write him a letter, since talking to him seems impossible, in which I apologise and that is why I wonder what I should apologise for. Eavesdropping on something concerning him or just eavesdropping? The problem is that, as already mentioned, this is not actually the case; hence, I would ask forgiveness for something I do not feel remorse for, and it might not be genuine.

You may wonder why I don't apologise for everything and it's because, even if I try to calibrate the number of words for each reason, the extra bit might seem like a way of deflecting attention from the problem at the heart of the matter; therefore, perhaps it would be seen as a way of not taking responsibility for my actions.

I want to get it right and actually understand what I did wrong before I write the letter.

I noticed that Rae was sitting next to Lex on the ninth, and although it doesn't mean they've started the process of creating a friendship, I thought I'd ask her for this favour, as I wouldn't have anyone else that close to him.