Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

10th September, 1988

Envy. L thinks I envy him, that I wish to possess a quality of his, or am annoyed that he is the undisputed leader of a group of people who behave according to his will.

Is he really the genius that others like to paint him with their flattery words? It seems quite unbelievable that someone who is supposed to be so intelligent would come out with the most absurd nonsense I have ever heard.

Clearly, and you know this, Mazzaroth, I have no such feeling. I have no desire to exploit child prodigies at will so as to turn them into beings similar to myself, whom I can use for any of my dubious moral purposes.

I do not entirely understand his purpose in this orphanage, because the project is not enough to justify his stay, his activity and the resources Watari supplies him with. Alongside this, there must surely be something else because one cannot be sure of L's success as an investigator. I've thought about it, and the only reason I can think of is that he brings money to Watari's coffers, which would explain why he remains here and the director's confidence in him.

Moreover, if he has shown that he can earn capital easily, Watari has no problem buying him what he needs since it is technically his money.

I have not been able to gather information on how the facts actually stand because I have not even tried to do so, honestly. On the one hand, I don't want to use my time searching senselessly for explanations on this matter, which I cannot change in any way. On the other side, a discomfort unlike any other has made its way in, that keeps me from socialising with those around me, getting more details about L.

After yet another discussion with L yesterday, I took refuge in Lex's room again, not knowing where else to go to avoid being found, as my grade class was occupied. I didn't ask permission from any of its owners, though I should have done so out of respect and because Jet was taken aback to see me still there, cowering in the corner.

He did not seem bothered by my temporary occupation, but neither did he seem thrilled that I had decided to establish my base in their room. He just told me to ask or, at least, warn them next time before basing myself in there, and I promised him I would.

Obviously, I am not keeping that oath, as I have returned here, unseen. I hope that it is Lex who enters the room before anyone else because he is the only one who is genuinely comfortable with the idea of me hiding there.

I no longer sleep with them for obvious reasons. Lex reiterated that I was not a nuisance, although the truth was visible on the faces of his friends. Finally, he settled for lending me his cushion so that at least I had somewhere to rest my head, and that was useful because the canteen benches have never been so comfortable. The only flaw was that the French windows were covered from the outside, so I didn't get a chance to look at the garden while trying to fall asleep. I would have also gone outside if I had had the chance, but trying would have meant making a crazy mess.

I know I come across as a stubborn person who exaggerates or magnifies what happened, but I prefer to communicate my position openly. Besides, I have no real problem setting the alarm a few minutes before Watari's arrival.

I am not willing to compromise because it never works in the long run – as it just happened with Jet.

The feeling I developed yesterday guides my actions more than logic. It leads me to an obsession about hypothetical unrealistic alternatives that would have spared them such an ending.

Nothing else was possible in a situation like that. No other option. I know this because if there had been, I would have put it into practice, and I would not have had to separate myself from them and, consequently and above all, him.