Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

17th September, 1988

Surprisingly, or perhaps not, since bringing out such a device would surely have been noticed by someone, despite the fact that L disappeared overnight, without making any noise whatsoever – a bit like he used to come up behind me without warning –, the computer is still in the same spot where I last saw it.

It got some dust. That was to be expected. I cleaned it with the sleeve of my pyjamas, as the room is completely empty except for this object in the middle of it and the wardrobe behind me, locked. I don't have what it takes to open it.

There is no bed, which is strange. Where did he sleep until now? On the floor? I don't think he had another room to rest in, unless someone is hiding the fact that he was staying there, as if it were a state secret. If that were the case, it would be another reason to add to the ways in which L was treated differently from the rest of us, even if he had no right to get privileges from Watari, because no one should have them in a place like this. We should all be treated equally by those in charge of us.

In any case, there is absolutely nothing to check. Even the computer has been perfectly cleared of every single thing that could hint at his presence here.

It's almost as if L never existed, that he was just a figment of our minds... Or only of mine, since I seem to be the only one so interested in his things. Not even Elioenai or Natal ventured in here, even though it should have been their first destination. Maybe they knew. Being part of his project, they had the chance to be in close contact with him and stay in his room more often than I, who was never invited, but made an unexpected appearance.

The book I threw is not here. He probably put it back in the library. I haven't checked, but I think I will in the morning to make sure. It's strange that I haven't already, but still, the situation he created with his arrival and departure was quite unusual in itself. Of course, not because he arrived and then left, but the connection to my past. Just that, because an orphan coming and going is the norm.

In one way, I think I envy the way he appeared and disappeared, leaving no physical trace. Not also abstract, because there will always be this kid called L, in my head, who was considered a genius, so much so that he had a mission and a self-chosen title accepted by the majority, who was supported by Watari blindly and who led enough people to respect and idolise him, without doing anything to actually deserve it.

He didn't have to do anything and people who didn't know him at all threw themselves at his feet, while I couldn't even be seen by my

That's not the part I wanted to focus on. It's more the fact that I disappeared from my old life, but I left many marks of my presence, which I cannot erase as one does to a computer file.

Those signs remain. They remain in my memory, in the memory of those I have hurt with my actions, in the memory of those who are no longer free because of me. I don't know who among us is the one who pays the consequences the most, but I do know who the main culprit is, and that is me.

I wonder if I could have disappeared like L did.

Leaving this topic entirely, I have a confession to make, and I'll tell you, so I have a moral obligation to fulfil.

Every day that I write in this diary, I feel more and more like burning every single page, because it is strange for me to share what I think so openly and, on the one hand, I have the feeling that I shouldn't do it. Not because I'm afraid someone will find it and think I'm weird for my thoughts or find out I lied, even though it's relevant, but because I think these emotions I'm feeling are wrong, that I shouldn't be externalizing them and that it's pathetic of me to do so.