Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

9th October, 1988

Mazzaroth, I made a mistake. Not because he is the passive subject, but because it goes against my morals, against what I always told myself I would never do. And now, I have to be doubly cautious because, if he finds out, he might do the same thing and that would literally be the end of me.

I could lie and make up some path I followed to get this in front of my eyes, but I have nothing to start from and he would notice, so I'd just have to prevent it from slipping out.

I don't think he noticed, although I must admit that I behaved strangely when I went back to him. I didn't say anything, not even in the face of his provocations, because I was afraid that it would come out unintentionally, like a fly finally finding its way out.

He was the one who created the right circumstances, and I couldn't fully convince myself that I shouldn't take the bait. Before I could ponder my choice enough, I was already in its possession and there was no way I could get it out of my head. I didn't go any further, even though I could have. I closed everything and left, managing not to be noticed by anyone in the canteen.

I then went to the kitchen to get what he had asked for – not because I had gone mad and was now also under his control, but it was in exchange for his silence about one of my lies.

He tried to show himself superior to me by not giving me precise directions, so that I could beg him to enlighten me with his knowledge, that is, to ask him for additional information, which could inflate his ego and make him believe that he was even useful to me or, in short, to allow me to understand what the plastic box contained or its colour.

However, Ayla had mentioned that they had 'rescued' a pigeon.

A couple of nights ago, she hit the footboard slat with her knees as she let herself fall on the bed, as she was exhausted, and cursed 'Two Tones'. Rae asked her what she was talking about, and Ayla explained that it was the name of the pigeon they were looking after. They called her that because she has two tones when she coos, and one seems to be addressed to her and the other to him.

For the moment – which I hope will last an eternity –, she is staying in his room because he has more space.

I thought she was joking, and it was a make-believe game she and the anti-justice made up to pass the time. Apparently, it's reality.

He has a pigeon in his room.

It is absurd, but it is the truth, which I should have predicted since I saw him in the biology section on the second day. However, it does not seem to be for domestic reasons. He doesn't seem the type to me, but I think it is relatively easy to find out, in terms of the information I can get, because, in terms of time, it gets complicated. I will explain more later. I want to finish the talk about the pigeon, because here comes the best part.

The pigeon either used his head as a nest or attacked him. One of the two, but yesterday, I had the impression that he was behaving strangely. In fact, he was so frightened that he had to ask Watari to intervene, who didn't get the message, as he was watching the movie with the others, and I was the one who alerted him of the situation. It happened because, although I entered through the kitchen door rather than the main dining room, the double-door entrance of the cafeteria was open, and he heard and saw me rummaging through the shelves.

He walked up to me, closing both doors behind him, and asked me if I was hungry, so that, even if it was not mealtime, he would prepare something healthier for me than possible 'junk food' I would find. He reiterated that 'I am doing very well' and that, whenever I felt even a little hungry, to ask the cooks, if they are around, or him, if he is nearby, but this is not very important, because I immediately told him it was for 'him'.