Mazzaroth - The Only Thing I Have Left Of You

15th October, 1988

L has created his own hole and, since I have no intention of getting my hands dirty with mud, I will make sure that it is his own actions that make him stumble and fall into it.

I unintentionally planted the first seed and, as if it were a real seedling, I have to be careful how much water to give it, because I don't want it to die at birth. For this reason, I have to carefully calculate the key moments when Rae is most susceptible to other people's opinions, i.e. mine, which should be more significant than anyone else's here, especially considering that I would have nothing to gain – at least from her perspective – since I'm not part of the project and I'm not trying to overtake her.

It might take longer than I would like, but I'm in no hurry at the moment and a less violent approach might save me a direct reply from L. He won't be able to tell me to stop influencing her or reveal the reasons for his choice, although I doubt there could be anything so convincing that would compensate for favouritism towards others who are not part of the Apexes. Not even the fact that her integration is recent can explain it, since she is part of it anyway, whereas Faust has never even entered the realm of possibility to be considered as such.

Despite thinking of him as incompetent, I must take into account the chance that he has already warned Rae and Ayla of some of the ways in which I might intervene, even though we discussed that I shouldn't, and that he realises what I'm doing.

Normally, I wouldn't have bothered, because it is normal to ask for explanations about differential treatment, but L is L. He knows what my aim and desire is regarding his failing project. There is no doubt that his mind decides to act in a strange and twisted way and finds a way to blame me.

I still don't understand how seeing my reaction to the aliases helped him. I don't know what he was trying to prove: my temperament, my relationship with the two or the argument that I resent him because his name is L.

On the last point, he did not explicitly say that he thought so, but he tried, and I was the one who had to stop him, because I did not want him to think about it too long or for me to betray myself in any way. I believe, though, that my first question posed to him led him to consider that path probable, and forbidding Rae and Ayla from communicating their aliases to me showed that he really did go down that road. It has revealed my attachment to their names, which, linked to my hatred of his, may indeed steer him in a direction that, I regret to admit, is correct.

Therefore, I must be careful. I cannot give him any more hints.

This is not to say that he is any good as a 'detective'. It was more of a mistake on my part, because I was too rash and did not seek out the necessary information to attack him effectively, as I usually do. I would never have done that if I had known who L really was, and he would have had nothing to start from.

As already mentioned, I am not usually so careless. I always try to be careful not to leave any breadcrumbs behind, taking into account as many variables and cases as possible, but L's arrival was not a predictable situation. Too early and too close to the accident.

I wonder if I would have reacted differently if he had arrived in the middle of spring and a few years later. The vision that appears to me tends to be similar, because I am affected by what is happening, but if I try to distance myself and ignore the present as much as I can, in a world where both of us are not like we are now, I would probably have helped him patch up the flaws in his project and Rae and Ayla to be considered A and B, so they could be chosen first.

However, that's not the reality we live in, and L is the complete opposite of that true ideal of justice he wants to simulate; therefore, all I have left to do is to shoot him down, before he can ruin the lives of my two best friends, and I'm on the right track, because as much as I can't persuade them that it's not worth it – at least for now –, I'm slowing down its implementation.