Can't do it

Ch.1 Raiden

Hello! this is me from the future~ I'd just like to say i'm sorry about the errors in these chapters, I promise it gets better as the chapters progress. I typed most of this on my phone and then I did on my computer and my fingers work faster than my own brain, hence the mistakes. I'd also like to mention I'm not as depressed as this book may portray me. I was 14 when I thought of this story 15 when I wrote it and now I'm 17. I'm a much better writer now however mistakes are inevitable for me. Please don't mind them and enjoy the story anyway. Thank you ^~^ 

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A silent sob stuck in my throat while a warm salty tear slid down my cheek as I dragged the cold sharp metal across my scared wrist which caused my Crimson red warm blood to ooze it's way from the sliced skin. We humans are made so fragile that we could break even with just words.

We break too easily, which is why I'm too broken. Some people have others to tell them how broken we are but when it's the voices in your head you never get a break. They become louder if you ignore them and stronger if you acknowledge them, so either way you can't beat yourself or run away.
I lied. You can run away in fact there are a couple of ways but the road most traveled is suicide which I personally would love to take. The road less traveled would be to put up with the voices until you find someone that can make the voices disappear so you can be happy and live a normal life.
"What is normal?" I get that question a lot. Normal. It's a hard thing to explain but it's not what I am. I'm far from normal. People say "your never alone" but just because I'm surrounded by people who call themselves my friends doesn't mean I'm not alone.
Sure I have friends. But I only trust 2 of them and sometimes my mom but sadly my mother died 5 years ago when I was 10. My father ran away when I was 3 because he didn't want kids but now I know he has two daughters, that actually go to my school, they bully me along with the rest of the school.
I live in a foster home and help take care of the younger kids but the older ones push all the chores on me so I do most of the work.
I put the cold blade down on the sink as a small knock came on the wooden door "brother is that you? I have to pee" I nodded realizing it was just Sammie the little boy who loves me more than all the kids, but he's only 5 so he doesn't see my other side, he just gets my mask "one second Sammie" I said my deep voice surprising him a little. It's not that deep next to other guys in Yw 10th grade but deep next to a child's voice.
I flush the toilet to make it seem like I actually used the bathroom then I rinsed my arm off and make sure the bleeding stops before drying off my arm and pulling down my sleeve and tucked the small blade in my hoodie pocket. I wiped my eyes off and put up my hood so he couldn't see I was crying. Then I took a double take over the bathroom to make sure no evidence was left behind before walking out. "Bathrooms all yours Sammie." I called out to him and waited to enter my room until I heard re little pitter patter of his feet running to the bathroom down the hall.
I slipped in my room quietly since I shared my room with nick who was 16 and the opposite of me. I stuck my razor under my mattress and climbed on "you've been out for a bit, finally decide to brake curfew?" Nick asked after i settled down on my bed "where would I go in a T-shirt, a black hoodie, and boxers?" I asked trying to be smart "good point, night" is all he says before Rolling over.
I cross my arms above my head and rest my head on my arms playing with my longish newly dyed black hair. I looked at my ceiling before the voices started entering my head "" welcome back raiden"" they began as always ""raiden do you ever wonder why your alive? Why your mother gave birth to you? Do you ever wonder if she ever loved you?"" Now it was the questions.
I rolled over and pulled my blankets up to my chin, wrapping my arms around my waist under the blanket "" your getting too thing raiden. It's because you don't eat, why don't you eat? Because your too fat already"" it Echoed in its Erie voice ""raiden just stop trying already, go back to the bridge, instead of taking pills or drinking this Time why don't you jump? Maybe then we will die forever"" it made me want to go back to the bridge.
At the bridge I tried to overdose grabbing the pills no one uses and counted out one for every reason I had to die, in the end I came up with 18 but now I would have enough to die. I also tried drinking too much there seeing if maybe I'd get so drunk id either die from over drinking or fall off, instead I got so drunk I went to Her house. Now when I go there I sit and watch the water rush by as I flick the hot ashes of my cigarette into it.
People say "your only 15 you couldn't have attempted suicide 5 times and be smoking" well yea I can be. I have failed 5 times to end my usless life. I tried over dosing from drugs and drinking. I tried jumping off of buildings. And lastly I tried cutting too deep.
Under the covers I run my fingers on my scars and newly inflicted injuries which will soon become just a memory, like me. I keep a little note book under my pillow now because I'm writing my good bye notes. I know I will never be adopted so I will say only good bye to my foster mother and Sammie, and maybe even one for nick.
I listen to my voice in my head for a bit longer before dozing off to sleep. Instead of dreaming I get nightmares, this one was of when my mother tried to kill me before she killed her self.... 5 years ago... She always told me I looked too much like my father who had left and she couldn't take it anymore so she left me and she had no siblings or parents. Her parents didn't want anymore kids after her so they died with one child and soon after their child joined them. Maybe mommy will be happy to see me. Will I meet mommy?
I wake up to nick shaking me d me screaming them he hugged me "stop having night terrors... Get ready for school we're gonna be late." He said letting go and getting up to go downstairs for breakfast which I skip. I got up wiping my eyes and drippy nose then I went to my dresser which contained mostly black clothes.
I pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans and put my black veil brides belt on before taking of my hoodie so I could change my shirt. As I peeled off my huge black sweatshirt I could feel my cuts and how they healed against my sweatshirts sleeve. I slipped of my shirt and pulled on a dark purple T-shirt that said "rock rulez" with the rock sign between rock and rulez, then. I put my black hoodie back on, not zipping it up.
I slowly walked to the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and hair which only meant brushing my hair and flipping it across my face. I walked down the steps to my living room where my foster dad was smoking on his chair watching the morning news. And my foster mom was in the kitchen making bacon for nick, Sammie, Angie, and bell. Angie was 10 while bell was 7. "Where is Andy and cas?" I heard nick ask Andy was 17 while cas was almost 19. So we have me 15 Nick 16 andy 17 and cas 18 almost 19.
My foster mom shrugged "they probably left for school" she turned to dry her hands after washing the dishes "oh raiden! Are you ready to go to school this early? Should you be resting... You did just get back from the hospital..." She was talking about my most recent attempt of suicide.
I shook my head "I'm going to the bridge first" she was surprised at my voice but Sammie set down his bacon and wiped his hands before coming to me holding up his hands for me to pick him up which I'm a sucker for so I did. "Why must you go to that bridge?" She asked knowing the answer I grabbed my pack of cigarettes off the table "I need a new pack I'm getting low" I said stuffing it in my pocket after shifting Sammie to my other hip.
I kissed his head am put him down "I'm off" I said putting on my black old tennis shoes that were torn up a little. "Try getting a job after school today please" she called after me and I just nodded before closing the door ""there isn't a need because you'll be dead"" not after school I won't be ""you don't need a job, If your going to die after you get it"" the voice taunted me but I shook my head and continued to school.
I put my blue headphones in and plugged them into the phone I had. I didn't have any numbers in it yet just music. Music is my life honestly, I play guitar, drums, piano, violin, and I even sing a little. I hummed on my May to school to the depressing song I knew so well. Her last words. It was a great song honestly.
I arrived to the bridge and pulled out a cigarette and lit it breathing in the toxic smoke. As I blew out the smoke all of my worries drifted away as If they were put in the ocean and dragged from me. I thought about school I wonder if anything changed since I've been gone.
After finishing my smoke i threw the bud into the water below the bridge and left for school. While walking I noticed a little girl crying and stopped in front of her since she was in my way. "Hey there sweetie what's wrong?" I asked in a really nice voice trying not to seem creepy. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and her face all rosy "I'm lost" she said hugging my leg. I pet her long straight brown hair and picked her up, luckly she had blue jeans and a cute shirt with hello kitty on it so I didn't have to hold her weirdly because of a dress.