Can't do it

Chapter 6

I eventually fell asleep but I woke up to a waking Toby, I was sure it was Toby because his eyes were bright blue. I let go of his slender waist and sat up realizing it was around noon I've been sleeping a lot today and yesterday...  I thought  getting out of my bed " Toby you can go take a shower in my bathroom if you wanna" I say looking at myself in the mirror, he nodded not saying anything and heading to the shower.

  I kept silent until I heard the shower start, and then i started my fun. I started my fun, I started my radio and danced to the music on my phone which played through my radio, and while dancing I singing along , I realized that made me sound girly but I always had fun pretending to be a singer and being on sage Do girls do this too? I wondered.

   I only did this type of thing once I knew we were alone, which meant I was making goodie goodie Toby skip school for today, it was the last day of the week anyway so that's not much of a loss. My sisters were gone off to school and daycare and my foster mom was shipping with her sister which I knew was going to take all day, and as usual my Foster father was at work.

   I noticed it started raining, and then I noticed it was going to be a storm. I kept dancing to my music until it suddenly stopped and my light turned off. I turned to see Toby which caused me to jump and yelp which caused him to jump and yelp too. I noticed he only had a towel on "um... The power went out... and I thought I'd wash my clothes.." he looked at the clock and shrugged it off "Can I borrow some clothes?" He asked  and I nod and go to my drawers.

   I pull out some clothes and toss them at him, without realizing it I didn't give him shorts or some sort of pants "ummm" he said as I turned around to give him shorts. He was wearing one of my big shirts and my boxers but he was holding down the front of the shirt to hide what he had as if he were a girl "h-here" I said throwing the shorts at him so I could turn away, only to prevent him from seeing me blush... 

A while later it started raining again except heavier so I sat by the large window in my living room and opened it enough to listen to the pitter patter of the rain. I had one earbud in and  put on I'm sorry by Jamestown, I had completely forgotten about Toby being upstairs and let the tears over flow and slide down my cheeks, I didn't sob I just let the tears silently find their way to my hoodie. I didn't notice when Toby made his way into the living room and saw me crying, I don't remember when I pulled my sleeves up but i was running my fingers over the thousands of scars i gave myself, avoiding my newer ones. A tear fell onto my skin but I didn't flinch, I just continued to watch the rain slightly singing along to my sad playlist. I felt skinny arms wrap themselves around my waist and damp hands wrap around my scarred arm "Why, why do you continue..."  A wavering girly voice said into my ear "I hate myself" I answered trying to keep my emotions to myself, however I failed and wailed, flinging myself into Toby's weak arms bringing us both to the floor. I continued to cry on his chest as my old girlfriend would do with me from time to time and he did to me as I did to her, he ran his fingers gently through my hair, calming me down "Shhh it's okay, Raiden it's okay" He coaxed trying to get me to stop my sobbing which made him go to tears as well.

  It took a while for us to finally calm down and I ran out of tears finally. I looked at his face and found tear stains down his rosy cheeks, his hair matted, and his eyes a little swollen, I wiped a remaining tear and smiled "why are you crying Toby?" I asked and in response he hugged me again and managed to whisper "because you're hurting" I got off of him and sat up, ending up with Toby in my lap, our faces inches apart. I stared into his beautiful eyes seeing a new emotion and he squirmed on my lap "sit still" I ordered and he tried to obey still staring into my eyes until my eyes reflected the emotion  I saw in his eyes. I wanted to close the space in between us and he must have had the same idea because within seconds our faces inched together until our lips just brushed. I saw Toby  close his eyes pushing closer until it was a full kiss. I closed my eyes right after also pushing into him, wanting to go farther and hew knew it too, I licked his bottom lip begging for entrance which he happily gave, opening his mouth just a little but enough for me to slid in and explore him in every way, not just in his mouth. My hands went everywhere on him, I wasn't able to keep my hands off of him. We ended up breaking our passionate kiss for air, stupid air, I rested my forehead on his and looked into his lustful eyes and pecked his lips again before kissing along his jawline down to his neck. I kissed along his neck until I accidentally came across his sweet spot which when I did he gasped and shivered while his grip on my shirt tightened, I smiled and kissed it again and again, eventually sucking on it a little earning a little moan which, I'm not gunna lie, turned me on. My hand went up his shirt and my cold hands caused him to get goose bumps, I guess we finally realized what we were doing because he jolted and i pulled back quickly "wh-" I wasn't able to finish my sentence when I felt his lips on mine again. "I'm sorry I did this to you Raiden but I've never done anything like that and I really.... I really liked the feeling I got with you..." He explained and I smiled " To answer your question from a while ago, I think I'm gay." I said with a sudden straight face and Toby stopped looking sad and looked at me with confusion "What did you say?" he asked. I kissed him again " I think I'm gay" I said kissing him in between each word "for you"I added and we kissed once more 
   After our sudden make our session he realized he was on my lap and laughed getting off my lap, leaving me disappointed and exposed, I blushed and grabbed a pillow to cover myself up but apparently not in time. "I-I did that?" he asked surprised, and when I nodded embarrassed he blushed a lot.

We dropped the subject after that and went to the couch, but first I went to the bathroom to deal with my....problem.... first. When I came back he was on his knees but bent over looking through my movies and i blushed "T-T-Toby?"  I asked and he spun his head around, and then suddenly realizing his position and sat up "m-m-movies" he muttered, I understood and knelt next to him looking through out the movies before I found a good one I've liked for a while "does Avatar sound good?" I asked and he nodded "I haven't seen it before!" he said excitedly jumping up onto the couch "Avatar it is" I said chuckling. I put the movie in and joined him on the couch in my corner of the couch where I always sat when I decided to sit on the couch. I laid back and put my feet up on the couch too, Toby laid next to me but put one of his legs over mine and put his head on my chest then wrapped  his arm around my torso and I rested my arm on his side, and enjoyed the movie in comfort, eventually falling asleep together.

   When Nick came home from school we were still sleeping together so he took a picture of us, posting it on Facebook tagging me in it before waking us up. "Guys!" He yelled which woke Toby up but I just groaned, rolled over, and stayed asleep "u-u-um h-hi" Toby stuttered. Nick smiled a disgusted smile " I didn't know Raiden was a little faggot!" He said loudly laughing. My eyes shot open, I turned, grabbed the collar of his shirt, and pulled him to me "Shut the fuck up Nick. I don't want to hear that from a whore." I sneered at him before pushing him on the floor "Don't call me a whore you faggot!" he yelled. Before I knew it I was straddling  him and punching his face "Shut. The. Fuck. UP!" I yelled. Finally Toby was able to pull me off and hugged me, keeping me from punching him again, and at that moment my foster parents entered the house, my dad was so furious he punched me and sent me to my room and sent Toby home while mom took Nick to the hospital, they had to treat his broken arm which I accidentally broke.

    A month has passed by since then but I'm still under probation from my parents, not a probational officer, But only a week after I beat Nick half to death i started dating Toby officially, the amount of cigarettes I had lessened along with the cuts I made. The best part was we were almost never apart,, and when we were together the voices never bothered me, Everything seemed perfect, well that is except for today, today was going to be a bad day. Toby was sick and wouldn't be able to come to school today and this weekend which meant I knew I was going to get a lovely visit from the voices ""Hello Raiden"" great you're already here ""Yes Raiden, I'm back. Oh looks like Toby isn't here to distract you from me, awww maybe he got bored of you"" It just loved to push my buttons Don't even start Toby loves me ""has he said he loved you? or are you just full of yourself like with her?""  I shook my head and decided I needed to not be in school at the moment so I left nd headed to my bridge and smoked a bit while talking to the voice in my head, trying to tell it to stop saying mean things about my Toby. My attempt of not slipping back into depression failed. I went home and jumped in the shower. 

    As I rinsed the soap off I noticed one of my blades I thought I put these all away, where did it come from? ""Didn't you do this?  Last week? Did you forget? You were gong to but you couldn't bring yourself to do it while that Toby boy was just in the other room""  I nodded knowing it was right, without realizing it  I had already grabbed it, why not ""yes yes why not why not""  I started slicing the healed skin no longer having it healed I watched as the blood oozed its way out of the little walls of my skin. This is wrong. Toby will be disappointed  I dropped the blade to the floor of the tub, turned off the water, jumped out, and wrapped a towel around my waist. 

   I threw the blade in the trash after I got dressed in boxers and old gym shorts. I did my hair and went back to my room to do homework from the classes I actually attended before passing out. I woke up hours later to my phone ringing and I fumbled to answer it "Hello?" I asked sleepily and I heard a girlish giggle then a cough "Toby?" I asked sitting up? "Hey Raiden..." He said his voice a bit deeper this time "hello Ashton"