Can't do it

Chapter 4 Bit about me

  I made this chapter a bit long. Enjoy ^~^

     "When I was about 3 my real father left, and a little bit after that my mom got remarried and had a baby girl. Shortly after 2 years her and my step dad died as you know, as the years grew on my mom drank more, she never beat me or hit me, but I was told I look like my real father whom she hated, she told me she told me she hated me often. When I was 10 years old she tried killing me because she had finally gone insane and tried killing me by stabbing me, luckly she missed and stabbed my arm. When she realized she missed, she killed herself by stabbing herself and grabbing a gun which she put in her mouth and pulled the trigger causing her brain to explode all over the cupboards in our kitchen. The police came shortly after and tended to my stab wound and took me to a foster home. I was moved around a couple times but was settled in one home, the one I'm in now, but I was moved because I tried killing my self and started smoking. The one family I was with caught me cutting and they sent me out right away and I never stopped cutting or smoking." I finished my story as I finished my cigarette. I pulled another one out and lit it up inhaling the toxic smoke.
        I was looking at the water when I felt frail arms wrap themselves around my waist and a head on my back "raiden. I'm so sorry." Toby apologized. I chuckled "it's not your fault Toby" I said turning around and pulling him into a hug. He wrapped his hands around my slim waist tighter and I wrapped mine around his shoulders Resting my chin on his head "hey raiden?" Toby asked trying to get my attention "hm?" I asked "do you know I'm gay?" He asked and I froze for a second "it doesn't surprise me." I said truthfully.
       After a while we walked back to his house and worked a little bit more on our project while we ate dinner. After a while I noticed that Toby dozed off. I poked him trying to wake him up but it didn't work, so u picked him up. Since he was short and frail he was light weighted it was easy to carry him to his bed and I tucked him in. As I tried to leave him he grabbed the sleeve to my hoodie and opened his blue eyes a crack "please....sleep... Here... With me." He mumbled slipping back to sleep.
     I climbed onto the bed with him but I didn't cover myself up. Later Toby shivered quiet a bit, I couldn't blame him, it was really cold in his room. So I did the most gay thing possible, I pulled him close to me and  wrapped my arm around him while I rested my head on my other arm.
      He cuddled into my warmth trying to suck up my warmth as if he couldn't get enough of it. I haven't  heard the voice in quiet a while so I said in my head ' a perfect fit' before falling asleep.
     I didn't dream that night for the first time since my mothers death. I woke up because of the sunlight, it looked to be almost 10. I looked down to my arms because I felt something move and I saw me still holding Toby, and him clinging to me, he was waking up so he's blue eyes were cracked open and he was running one of his eyes. He sat up slowly and looked around, as if he didn't know where he was. Finally his eyes landed on me and widened "uuuuhhh" He said before he started to blush as red as a tomato "um, you didn't want me to leave you.... Then you got cold... And I feel asleep" I tried explaining, blushing a little too. He looked relaxed for a minute before he looked at his clock "late! We're late for school!" He yelled getting out of his bed  "I didn't even sleep in pajamas!" He seemed frustrated as I sat there on his bed watching him scuffle around his small room getting clothes and shoving papers and books into his bad.
       After shoving things into his bag he ran into the bathroom and I heard the water start to run 'guess he's taking a shower' I thought as I shoved things into my bag. I pulled out my phone to check on it and there were three miss calls and seven messages, all from ma. I read her messages 'raiden are you even coming home tonight?'
'Raiden are you with another girl?'
'Did you get back with hazel?'
'Did you jump again?'
'Are you in the hospital?'
' raiden are you okay?'
'Raiden?'
I didn't bother listening to the voice mails so I sent her a text 'sorry. Got caught up in a project with my partner and ended up crashing at his place. I need more smokes. I have money.' I sent it and quickly received a reply 'I'm glad your okay. You better get a good grade on your project. I hope you slept well. Keep your money there is a pack waiting for your return.' She was a sweet woman, I'll give her that.
     I ran my fingers through my hair and grabbed my extra beanie I kept in my backpack and put it on to hide my bed head. Toby returned with his clothes all messy and his hair all wet "let's just go I don't need food" he said rushing. I grabbed his arm as he turned to go downstairs and pulled him onto my lap and grabbed the nearest towel, putting it on his head and drying off his hair. Then I pulled off his sweater vest so I could re-button his  button up shirt then tugged the vest back on, rolling up his sleeves a little. "Don't tuck the shirt in, it looks stupid" I said looking away from his confused blushing face.
       I brushed his messy hair and styled it in a neat/messy way which he hated "stop messing with my hair!" He said trying to push my hands away from his head, then I slapped his hands away "let me do what I want loser" I said finishing "now, you go down there and eat the eggs I made" he looked at me confused "when did you have time to make eggs?" I thought about it "not important, eat then brush your teeth, then we may leave." I said as if I was talking to a kid.
       He did as he was told, surprisingly, and so we left "your gonna wear the same clothes as yesterday?" He asked and I nodded. We made it somewhat close to school before I realized what road we were on "we need to stop somewhere" I said suddenly grabbing his hand and pulling him to the front of a house "sorry but just stay quiet and no questions. Also. Not one word to anyone in school." I said and he nodded confused at me.
      I sighed and rang the doorbell. A little girl answered the door and smiled as soon as she saw my smiling face "big brother!" She yelled running to jump hug me, so I knelt to hug her "hi there Jessica" I said hugging her and picking her up "how have you been? No more getting lost?" I asked and she nodded "good good and no more lost" she said smiling kissing my cheek. Her mother came out to see what her small daughter was so excited about and smiled softly when she saw me "your him, her "big brother" right?" She asked and I nodded "my name is Raiden." I said putting Jessica down so I could hold out my hand to her. She took my hand and shook it "Amanda" she said picking up heritable Jessica. "Will you play with her when your free next?" Amanda asked me and Jessica looked excited so I smiled and nodded "anything for Jessica" I said "but for now I'm late for school again, bye bye Jessica" I said waving and smiling still. "Bye bye big brother" she smiled and waved her little hands to me and Toby.
        Toby was silent for most of the rest of the walk "not a word of it to anyone else" I said when he was about to speak "actually. I was wondering if I could accompany you and Jessica on your play date" he said nervously. I was silent for a moment while I thought about it "sure. If you like kids" I said and he laughed "are you kidding me? I love kids!" He said getting excited which made me smile "I-I thought you seemed.... Cool... When you were talking to her.... You showed expressions Id never thought I'd get to see expecially after just meeting you and my first impression of you was you being a punk.... But you seem to have a lot of surprises in you... That id like to see...." He said I stopped and turned to face him ""he's lying"" the voice was back "you would?" I asked and he nodded ""he's lying! Lying! He hates you! Thinks your scary! Thinks your stupid for loving those children!"" The voice taunted me "okay." I said simply and the voices tried speaking up but dispersed after I realized I was being hugged by Toby again "your my friend then right?" He asked and I nodded and hugged him back.
        We were both really late to class because it was lunch when we arrived. "Where were you two?" The teacher asked us as we returned "we slept in." We answered at the same time which made a few girls in our class giggle and whisper. "We were up late working on the project." I explained "then I went to the store to buy food" I lied "I went with" Toby lied too, or at least tried. "Hm. Well you can show me what you have done with your project now instead of having lunch." She said and my stomach growled. She gave me a strange glance "musta been what I ate" I lied and knew Toby looked at me worriedly so I pat his head.  We showed her the start of our project and when we finished lunch finished.
       Jacob was the first to enter of his crew. "Well well well look guys the faggot decided to come to school and bring a nerd into his tardiness" he tried being funny and his goonies laughed at the stupid joke. "Fuck off dude" I said resting my head on my crossed arms on my desk. "Tch" he clicked his tongue and spun to sit in his desk, and my stomach growled again 'shut up stomach' I thought ""maybe if you would have eaten instead of fed that boy, you wouldn't be being mean to your tummy"" the voice spoke again.
      My thoughts were interrupted by a pice of folded up paper landed on my lap. I opened it without a second thought 'didn't you eat today? I don't remember seeing you eat. ~T'  It was from Toby. I wrote back and tossed it back. We did this for a while.
'Nah I don't eat morning food-R'
'Breakfast? And why not?~T'
'Because I just don't. It's fine I might eat dinner at home later if nick doesn't steal my food-R'
'eat over at my place after school, Nick?~T'
'Nah I don't want to trouble you, and Nick, one of the Foster parents actual kids-R'
'Can I come over to your place then? I wanna meet your Foster family~T'
I thought for a moment 'sure, come over to my place after school, I get to smoke with no complaints-R' he nodded in agreement and stashed the note into his bag.
        School dragged on for what seemed like forever, then being the substitute  janitor with Jacob dragged on for eternity, but we finished eventually and after I changed and went to the front of the school I saw Toby waiting for my, playing a game on his phone, so I decided to scare him and called his cell phone. He jumped when it started to ring "oh my god he's actually calling me!" I saw my name in his phone as 'soft punk' "h-hello" he answered finally "excited for my call?" I asked as I walked up behind him causing him to jump and hang up. I hung up too and made a pouting face "why did you hang up with me?" I asked and he blushed "y-your right h-here there's no r-reason to be calling." He said.
     I chuckled and put my phone in my pocket. "To my house?" I asked "to your house" he confirmed. We started  walking  and I pulled out a cigarette and lit it "what is smoking like?" I heard Toby ask. I looked at him for a moment before I answered "it releases my stress." I said simply.
       Before I knew what was going on Toby reached to my face and snatched my cigarette. "What are y-" I was interrupted when Toby looked at me "teach me how to smoke" he said and I shrugged "sure why not. Here" I took it back "watch" I brought it to my lips and inhaled and held the smoke in my lungs for a second and taking the cigarette away from my lips then blowing the smoke out of my mouth.
       I handed the cigarette back to Toby. "Okay goody goody your turn" I said. He did the same as I did but he coughed a little "can I have the rest of this one?" He asked which surprised me "sure?" I said pulling out another for me. "Why are you suddenly into smoking?" I asked him lighting my new smoke. "I always see you doing it and being calm after. I wanted to try it" he said smoking the cigarette, still coughing here and there "well you shouldn't start smokin because of someone else, but I'm not gonna stop you, but I can't buy you cigarettes because I'm not 18 yet." I warned and he thought for a second "can I bum one off of you here and there?" He asked "did you say bum?" I asked and he nodded "sure I don't see why not" I said looking at the ground.
      We reached my house within a few minutes and I threw my bud away  since I finished after Toby did. "Alright. Here goes" I took a breath and opened the door to my house. "Your home?" Was the first thing I heard. I turned to see Nick "yea I'm home" I said rolling my eyes "so early too" he said and I replied with a "what ever"   
    We made it to mine and nicks room and Nick had a note "hey if you actually come home tonight I won't be here. Gotta lady friend waiting for  me~"   I crumpled up the paper and tossed it on his bed. I tossed my heavy bag on my bed and pointed to the computer at the end of my bed. "Use that" I stated collapsing on my bed making everything fly. ""If he sees the blade he'll tell everyone"" the voice spoke again but when I expected it to say something I heard "are you okay?" It was a girly voice coming from a girly looking boy. "Sorry Toby I'm fine" I said pulling down my sleeves awkwardly, realizing I was staring at him. I jumped realizing my stuff flew when I basically jumped on my bed and checked in the little compartment I have made in my mattress for my razor blades.