All Over Her

Chapter 66: honest

After we got dressed and cleaned up I felt like now was the best time to assess what we were feeling. We let out anger, jealousy, some more passionate pent up feelings...
He was standing next to the basket of letters I kept from him.
"You kept them all?"
"Yeah, even the ones you sent during holiday."
"But you didn't like those."
"Doesn't change the fact that they were from you."
He didn't say anything.
"Mattheo, everything I said before I left I still stand by. But if you can't be ready for me then I can't be with you."
He looked slightly panicked, "Cas no, it's not that, it's not that I'm not ready."
I rub his cheek, "then talk to me please..."
He holds my hand. "You could have anyone in this world. Somehow you want me. I don't have a beautiful picture perfect family. I never learned how to l... appreciate someone the way I was supposed to."
Was he gonna say love?
"You learned in your own way. Feelings aren't taught, they're part of you. There isn't a guide to how they work."
"Cas you have an amazing family. You know how to act. What's right and what's wrong. My dad died before I could even form a single real thought. My mom ran off with some rich bloke and started a new family." He began to tear up.
"I was a fucking mess right from birth and I can't fix that." I hug him tightly.
He sobs quietly on my shoulder. His arms hold my waist. It reminded me of when you're young you hug a teddy bear for comfort. You look for something that can understand you to care for you when nothing else can. I hope I can be that for him.
"Mattheo... you're not a mess. This whole time I... I was so scared to ever open up to you. I was scared I'd be too much all at once. That if I was honest it'd make everything real. That'd make it possible for you to hurt me..." I wanted to bite my tongue.
I felt like I was spouting word vomit. I was so scared that he'd just turn on me. Yet the way he cried. The way he spoke. I felt like I could really trust him. I want to trust him.
He backed away to look at me. With teary eyes but a confident voice he says, "I want you. All of you. Everything you feel. Good and bad I'll take it all."
I softened my eyes. He knew just what to say when I needed it. I thought about what Nico told me... that if I don't risk it all I'd suffer not knowing. If he doesn't love me back I can move on. It suddenly seemed scarier if he did love me back. Where would I go from there? How would things work from now on? How do I know if he's feeling as much love as I do? How much love do I even feel? Just thinking about all of it destroys me. Fuck it.
"Mattheo..." I felt like I was suffocating. Like my throat was closing in or a bag was being pulled over my head.
"Yeah..." He stared at me longingly.
"I..." I was terrified.
He listened to me intently. He played with my hair and kept pushing it out of my face. He looked at my lips, looked at my eyes, looked at my lips, looked at my eyes, lips, eyes, ,lips, eyes,lips... I'm stalling. I'm stalling really bad. It's like ripping off a bandage right? I just have to say it. That's all. Just say it. I need to tell him.
I felt like I was almost blue in the face the way I felt my breathing stop just by preparing myself.
"Cas..." His thumb rubbed my cheek. "I'm all in."
He kissed me.