All Over Her

Chapter 37: Go, Leave

I was bordering on getting whiplash from all the things I'm feeling. Ridiculously so, I was second guessing myself again. Is Mattheo really what I want? Do I just want the idea of changing him? Physically I'm attracted to him, that's for sure. We bounce off each other conversationally. Even in arguments it goes smoothly. Which I admit is an oxymoron but would that idea be such a bad thing? But then when I look at him, do I see it going somewhere? I shouldn't hold so much past judgment but again, how can I not.

He turns on his side to stare at me, "You ok?"

Quite frankly no. But I'm on a date and to tell him at this moment that I'm questioning the entire validity of a possible relationship would be very rude.

"Just fine." I smiled weakly. I turned to face him as well and I feel so guilty.

He brushed my hair behind my face, "You're so beautiful."

I hold his hand, feeling its warmth against my cheek. I feel so vulnerable, so exposed.I felt like he could see right through me. I hated it.

Gently, I pushed his hand off, sitting up and clutching my knees.

"What's wrong?"

He's already seen too much of me. More than I wanted him to and I was scared he'd use that against me. I wasn't worried about him talking about my body, or what we've done physically. I was scared he'd talk about my character, my personality. I don't want anyone to know how I actually feel, because that's far too easy to attack.

"I should go. It's getting late." I get up again, feeling the deja vu from the previous exiting scene. Now it seems more solemn.

"Cas are you seriously doing this again?" A mix of disappointment and irritation shrouded his voice.

"I should make sure my sister's okay." I began to leave without making another noise.

"So that's it then? I'm vulnerable with you. I nearly get on my knees begging you to stay and then you just leave?"

"I had to leave at some point, Mattheo."

"I understand that, but not like this."
"I need to check on Ziggy."

"Don't use your sister as an excuse because we both know she's just fine."
This is exactly what I didn't want. He could catch onto the inflections of my voice. The slight movements in my hand. The minor quivers in my lip when I get emotional. He couldn't know anything more.

"I told you you'd have one chance. I've made my decision."

"So that really is it?"
I kept quiet.

"Really Cas, I thought you were better than this."

I didn't say another word again. I was dead silent, feet planted in an upright position. I should just leave, not let him get another word out. But I couldn't help but be enthralled by his voice. I wanted to listen to him speak. I wanted to feel how strongly he felt for me. I wanted it to marinate and wash over me. I wanted him to get right behind me, hold me by my waist and just talk to me. Feel him so personally. The problem is that in that moment that desire was nothing but a fantasy. Which is exactly why I should leave. I can't just fantasize.

"Can't you just say a word to me? Anything?" He asked. His voice was now stern.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Say that you want me."

I felt my chest contract.

"Why would I?" I fell into a whisper.

"I know you do. I know you want me. I want you, I've made that as clear as I could. Just say it and that's all."

"And if I don't?"
"Then I'll keep on my promise. But it'll just prove something to me."

"What."
"That you're a liar. And a coward. Because as much as you refuse to admit it, you feel for me just as much as I feel for you. You can fight it for as long as you want but one day it'll be too late. I won't wait on you."

I wasn't a liar. I wasn't a coward. I'm so sure of that. His assertions are misguided. For sure. They are. He's wrong. I just don't know what I feel. I don't need to know right now. He doesn't need an answer. I don't need to say a thing to him.

"Mattheo..." My body tensed. Saying his name feels so different every time. Before it left a bad taste in my mouth, now... now.

"I... don't... want you." I felt like my throat was closing. But I wasn't lying. I was more than aware of how bad of an idea it'd be to be with him. Logically I shouldn't want him. So I don't.

"Okay." His voice was cold.

The warmth and passion that was once bright burned out in that very moment. Whatever we had I had killed it and that left a bitter feeling embedded in my chest.

"Goodbye Mattheo."

He scoffed, "Send regards to your sister Black."

We've gone back to last names I didn't think I had sent our relationship so far back. I still didn't move.

His voice cut the silence swiftly, "Go, leave."

So I did.