All Over Her

Chapter 55: my dad remus

Coming back to my room always felt so jarring. I know it shouldn't because it's my room, but when you've been somewhere else for so long you almost forget what it feels like. How it smells and how the remnants of my candles give a mahogany burned scent. How my sheets, although folded down to perfection, always had the mold of my body's figure. The way my curtains were jagged from trying to test which one of us kids could be held by the fabric the longest. The Black family curtains weren't the most sustainable.
I loved sharing a room with Ziggy but at home, my room was my sanctuary. The Black house was so large. Dad would talk about how cold and lonely it felt. The way his family would be so harsh, loveless and meaningless. My uncle Regulus would find comfort in dad, until they got older. He doesn't like to talk much past that. He's never specified what happened to Regulus, but he misses him so dearly.
My walls were forest green. The bedframe was gold to match the trim on my window and on my picture frames, as well as the mirror on my vanity. All my furniture was black with gold accents. I placed plants in any crevice I could fit them, if they weren't already lined with books. My room itself was much more simplistic than Ziggy's or Harry's. Our dads let us have full creative control. I wanted something contained. I always believed that I felt so much all at once, all the time, at least I could find solace in my room. My simple, clean, peaceful room.
A knock came to my door, it was Remus.
"Hi." I said rather quietly, still a bit lost in thought as I put down my bag.
"You seemed rather strange at dinner."
"Huh?" I don't like talking about my life very openly. Much rather than my love life. It feels too vulnerable and I wouldn't want to be a burden.
"When Padfoot and Harry mentioned potions, you hesitated."
"I did? I didn't notice." I knelt down to begin unpacking, hoping he'd leave it alone.
"What's wrong kid?" He plopped himself down next to me, leaning his back against my open dresser.
"Nothing, I guess I just dozed off tonight." I tried not to make eye contact.
"Jamie you may not call me dad but I am your father."
I paused. I didn't think he noticed much that I called him dad. I think of him like a dad and he is parental.
"You are my father." I said back to him, not yet at a whisper.
"You know you guys have tells."
"Tells?"
"You're all rather obvious when something's bothering you, you've had the same habits since you were tiny."
I didn't say a word, I just listened to what he'd say next.
"Easiest was always Zig, she'd ramble and pace around whatever room she was in. Even her silent pacing was so loud, the way she'd stomp her feet on the ground. Remember when Harry ate the last cookie when you guys were six? Oh she was so bloody riled, she stopped and paced in the kitchen for nearly an hour. And poor Harry just sat there, cookie crumbs falling out of his mouth and Sirius rushing to bake a new batch."
I giggled to myself. "I had to drag her out so she could calm herself."
"Exactly. Harry was a little harder because he wasn't so openly upset. He used to hold his breath and make a scrunched look with his face. He'd turn blue but with little white indents on the bridge of his nose from the way his glasses would squeeze down on his inflated face. Eventually he realized that holding his breath was more of just an issue for him, but he still scrunches his nose and purses his lips like he was about to blow a bubble of gum."
I laughed again, anticipating what he'd say.
"And you... you were by far the hardest. You weren't anywhere near as easy."
"How so?"
"You'd just smile. But not your usual smile because we'd know when you're happy. But you became pleasant. You'd shut down entirely, as if you go on autopilot."
"No way I do that!"
"You one thousand percent do."
"Come onnnn." I whined.
"Tell me then, what was it about potions."
I felt my mouth open to say something, but nothing came out. Like a barrier of plastic wrap just covered me entirely.
"Hm. There it is."
I made a face to him, clearly showing my disdain, "It's just a super long story."
"I have time." He scooted closer to me.
"I don't want to be a bother."
"Never. You'd never be a bother. Who else would hear you out unconditionally other than the person that watched you grow."
"I feel as though that could be argued."
"We both know if we argued I'd win."
It'd be easier if I just told him, but it's scary when it's a parent. They say they understand, but it's like as you grow older you lose your teenage self. Not just in age but in spirit. You forget what it's like to just be fucking dumb. I don't want him to think of me less.
"It's okay to be honest with me. I get that it's not easy. I have full faith in you always, whatever you tell me it's taken in with patience."
I bit my cheek. I looked at him, keeping in mind the deep look in his eyes. He wants me to let him in and I'd hate to make him feel any less of a parent. And maybe I need an opinion from someone who isn't my age.
"Don't feel pressured kid, just know I'm here." He began to get up.
"Wait... dad."
He stopped, sitting back down but closer to me now.
"At school... I started seeing this guy. I didn't like him at first, despised him actually, yet when I'm around him it just makes me feel so different. I didn't want to feel that way though because he wasn't known to be the most loving relationship type of guy. Still, after back and forth, I told him I was ready and when I said I was going on holiday he just shut down and shut me out. I didn't even understand what I did."
He thought for a moment. "It's not you. You didn't do anything."
"He wouldn't tell me a word, he doesn't want to open up."
"And do you?" He asked bluntly.
I bit my cheek again.
"Hm. You know, when I was around your age, Padfoot played a pretty bad prank on me."
"Yeah?"
"OHH yeah, it was horrible. I was so angry. At him especially. I fully thought it'd be the end of ever knowing him. I was ready to never see him again."
"Well it didn't end that way, so what happened?"
"I loved him. And despite what he did and as angry as I was, I could never really hate him. I couldn't stop thinking about him. After some time that rage just became a sadness. I felt different around your dad. So we worked it out."
"How... how'd you know for sure that you..."
"Loved him? Well when I said it outloud to myself, that was its own monster. But to have the bravery to say it openly to someone. That's when you know you mean it. When you have the confidence to declare it. Love is like a promise, once you make it, it's detrimental that those involved protect it. You can't go back on a broken promise Jamie."
I had only made the realization just a few hours before. Not even out loud. I don't even know if he feels the same way.
"This boy... do you love him?"
"I..." I thought very carefully about what I was about to say. I always thought I was too young to be in love. Then again, being in love is mutual, loving someone can be one sided. A risk that I fear entrapping myself into. If I declare that I love him, what if I come back and Daphne takes him back? What if all of this was nothing? Then what? I'd have a love, I wouldn't be in love, he wouldn't be my love. I want him to be.
"I do." I was quick.
"You do what?"
"I love him."
Dad smiled, he kissed my forehead for a long time as he hugged me tightly.
He stops the kiss but begins to speak. "Whoever this boy is, is so lucky to have known you."
I feel tears well up in my eyes. I've never been truly heartbroken before. It feels like it's all my fault. If I didn't wait so long maybe things would be different. Maybe he'd be here next to me, consoling me over something else.
"I love you kid, and everything you feel is important. You deserve to feel everything wholly, you're not human if you don't." He finally lets go of the hug.
"Goodnight kid."
"Goodnight papa."