All Over Her

Chapter 56: to be so lonely

I decide to pass by Ziggy's room before I fall asleep. Our dad's let George sleep in there with her, which surprised me a little but we all know they wouldn't do a thing. This was only affirmed even farther when, before I even got through the doorway, George was sound asleep in her bed. Ziggy was at her vanity, applying moisturizer to her face.
Ziggy's room was like a woodland creature that grew legs and purchased real estate. She had floral wallpaper, red floors with rugs scattered wherever possible, each frame was ornate and strangely shaped, her bed frame looked like a white weaved basket, and she rarely used her overhead light. She had these large stuffy curtains that belonged to our grandmother. Dad offered to take them down but she refused, it added character to her already eccentric room. Her bedding alone had a variety of patterns. Her quilt being handmade from scraps of floral fabrics she'd find at thrift stores. There's always so much happening all at once, so it was perfect for her.
"Jamie! Come to say goodnight?" She patted her cushioned vanity seat so I could sit next to her.
"Yes, and I came to check up on the house-husband you've brought home."
"He's sound asleep, nothing will wake that boy up I swear. I nearly dropped my tea on him, a bit on his back and he didn't even flinch. Luckily it wasn't hot but still."
She took the headband that held her bangs up to now brush them out.
"How are you sissy?"
"I'm alright." That felt honest enough.
"Are you really?"
"I always am." I gave her a warm smile, placing my hand on her shoulder.
We stared at the mirror for a moment. She stopped brushing her hair to lean her head on mine.
"Well then... goodnight Jamie, I love you." She kissed my cheek.
"Love you too, goodnight." I got up, closing her door behind me. I debated checking in on Fred and Harry, but my social battery already died.
I trudged back into my room, shutting my door and almost spinning into bed. I laid on my back to stare at the ceiling. I enjoyed just dozing off into nothing, the fabric on top of the beds at school don't have that same 'abyss' feeling. I hear a clicking on my window. The faintest tap of glass. My heart races. I rush to the window to see a very familiar owl.
I opened my window without thinking, grabbing the note from its talons and signaling it off. I stared at it. The black tie. What could he have already said? Maybe an apology? I hope it's an apology. Even then, if it's not, he still wrote to me. He knows not to expect anything back, I'm still deeply angry with him. But he wrote. I untied the note gently, unraveling it and preparing myself to read an essay.
Told you i'd write.
- Mattheo
That was it. That's all it said. I got my own hopes up, again. Over this same boy. I wasted so much time. So many thoughts could have been used more efficiently. I threw it into a drawer and shut it. I plopped right back onto my bed, laying on my back once again. I felt heavy. Not just my heart but my body. Moving my head from side to side felt like I was dragging a weight around my neck. My hands melted into the bed. The weight of my arms stapling them down. My legs felt the same, like if I moved them I'd fall down in an instant. They felt like they were only attached but I had no real movement. To even crack a smile felt like an over exertion. I was stuck to my bed and I couldn't move. I wasn't scared though, because I knew it wasn't permanent. I just felt so heavy. I can't talk because opening my mouth would drag me down too deep.
I was just there. Laying on my bed. Feeling like there were impenetrable rings around me. Like I was in a bubble, secluded from every other thing on this planet. I felt so alone. My sister was just on the other side of the wall. My brother, a room down. My dads, the room in front. My best friends are here too. Yet I just feel so lonely. There's so many people around me but I couldn't feel more isolated.
And I'm angry. Because how could being without Mattheo insight such a feeling. How could being far from him, without him, make me feel like I have no one at all. What is it about wanting him that makes me feel different? It's like I hate him with every action he does. Then all of a sudden, I love him with every breath he takes. It hits me sharply that I feel that way. It hits me.
My vision blurred in and out of focus like the lens of a camera as I stared at the ceiling. I fell asleep.