Deserted with Luke Hemmings (Lashton) (Boyxboy)

Chapter 19~

TW: This involves mentions of rape/sexual harassment.

Chapter 19:

I type "borderline personality disorder" into google. I'm currently skipping math class to do some kind of research on the disorder that Michael has.

What Michael did to me has left me feeling out of body but also so totally aware of my body.

I feel out of body in a weird way, I feel empty, it's hard to think of anything apart from what happened with him.

But I am so aware of my body, and the way I feel in my body now. I am so consciously aware of people looking me. And i'm worried; will more people to do me what Michael did?

I feel like I'm making a fuss about this, I wasn't raped, maybe Michael didn't even realize I was uncomfortable.

He seemed to regret his actions afterwards. So is he really in the wrong here?

I'm trying to find any reason, any excuse for what Michael did. I vaguely remember him once telling me that he had borderline personality disorder. And despite not knowing what that is I'm hoping it will explain Michael's actions.

According to a British health website, "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships." This seems to match Michael's actions and behavior exactly.

One symptom that I identify with Michael's actions is "impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating." Could unsafe sex be included in what he did to me?

Should Michael be excused from what he did?

I haven't told anyone about what happened, and I'm not sure if I should, I mean it's nothing right? I'm probably just making a fuss.

Michael has got a mental disorder that most likely led to his impulsive and mindless behavior. It wasn't his fault, it was probably mine, I probably led him on, and that mixed with his BPD led to what happened.

I haven't told Luke, I know if I do he will act completely recklessly, and try and fight Michael.

And no offense to Luke, but Michael would win that fight.

I really want to tell someone though. Luke isn't really an option, and my dad would try and take Michael to court or something.

Calum? Would Calum even be a feasible option? We haven't talked a while, but he is sympathetic and reasonable.

Calum. I'll talk to Calum about this.

Class just ended, and now it's lunch, so I decide to find Calum.

I go to the cafeteria, and luckily Luke isn't there yet (I don't want him questioning what I'm doing). I go over to where Calum's sitting.

"Long time no see." He says placing his food on the table.

"You wanna sit?" He asks.

"I was wondering if we could go outside, in private, I need to tell you something."

"Oh, um, okay," he says, grabbing his sandwich, and then following me out of the cafeteria.

We go outside and sit on the bleachers of the soccer pitch.

"So what's wrong?" Calum asks placing his hands on his knees.

And then I explain everything to him, from meeting Michael at therapy and finding out about his BPD to now.

"Shit, ash, are you okay? Wait, that's a stupid question, are you feeling better?"

"A little now that I know it may not have been completely Michael's fault."

Calum pulls me in for a side hug and I rest my head on his shoulder. "Are you going to talk to anyone else about it?"

"I don't want Michael to get in trouble, so no... But I was thinking of talking to him about it."

"I don't think that's your greatest idea, but I can come with you, just incase he tries anything again."

I grimace at the thought of this happening, but I nod my head as a yes.

"Wanna ditch?" Calum asks.

"Sure" I say with a grin, following Calum to his car.

*****

After messing around with Calum for most of the day it's now the end of the day, and I'm going to talk to Michael.

We drive to Michael's house, and both me and Calum walk to his front door. After ringing the doorbell a tired looking Michael answers the door.

When he sees me he quickly says "I'm so sorry ash, I didn't mean to and-"

I cut him off, "can we talk about this inside? Calums coming too just incase anything happens."

Michael looks guilty as a say this, but he still leads me and Calum inside and to his living room.

I sit down, and I quickly say "why?"

"I forgot to take my borderline personality disorder pills, and without them I change. I can barely control myself, Ashton you have to understand," Michael says, almost begging.

"What happened, Michael, was horrible, and even if it wasn't completely your fault, it is going to take a long time for our friendship to go back to normal. I'm not even completely sure I can foresee our friendship having a future."

"I understand, I'm just so fucking sorry, Ashton."

"I know," I say standing up, and motioning to Calum that we're leaving.

"Bye Michael," I say, half heartedly.

"Bye," Michael says, his voice quiet and weak.

Me and Calum soon leave and go back to his car.

My hand shake as I rest them on the dashboard.

"Are you okay?" Calum asks.

"No, not really," I say with a shake of my head and a sad chuckle.

A/N: This is irrelevant; but I hate hate hate it when people don't put a space between their punctuation. Like: "Luke waves at me,and then walks closer to me.I wave back,and send him a smile." Makes me sick.